On the flip side, Mason had texted me more than ten times since the night of the fair. The texts ranged from apologies to just asking how I was to reminding me of inside jokes we had. I’d yet to respond, but mostly because I wasn’t sure what to say. Or think, really. Where my body was making progress, my mind seemed to be falling deeper and deeper into a confusing pit of feelings. I wanted to decipher them, but I kept my focus on training and eating right. Thoughts and feelings could wait.

The problem was, when Mason texted me, I still felt that same pull to him that I always had. I knew my priorities had shifted and the lifestyle change I was making was for me, but I couldn’t figure out if Mason was still driving part of my desire to train harder, too. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still have moments where I wanted him back, and part of me hoped he was thinking the same about me, too. Still, I longed for the old Mason — the one I wasn’t sure still existed. I wanted our comfortable date nights in, our crazy nights out with our friends, the way he smiled sideways at me as he tucked me under his arm. I missed it.

When I wasn’t training or hanging out with Willow, I was still watching Lost, and I was in the middle of season four on the Saturday evening before my third weigh-in when Willow called me with news I wasn’t prepared for.

“I got in.”

She said the words with a mixture of excitement and caution, and it took me a moment to realize what those three syllables meant. She meant the kick-start program. When the news settled, I bolted up from where I’d been lounging on the couch and switched the phone to my right ear.

“Oh my gosh, Willow! Congratulations!” I swallowed hard, powering off the television completely. “I’m so happy for you.”

And I was. I really was. But at the same time, I was selfish. Willow was the only friend I had in Poxton Beach — the only true friend, anyway — and with all the drama going on with Mason and Shay, I didn’t want her to leave. I knew that made me a crappy friend but I couldn’t help it. I needed her.

Willow let out a breath. “Oh God, I’m so happy you’re happy. I was nervous to call.”

“Why?”

“Because…” her voice trailed off. “I just know you have a lot going on right now. I don’t want you to think I’m abandoning you.”

Reaching for my egg-shaped lip balm on the coffee table, I ran it over my lips to buy me a minute before I exhaled a long breath. “Are you kidding me, Lo? You’re my best friend. And this is amazing news. Can I come over to celebrate?”

“My parents are taking me out to dinner, actually,” she answered.

“Oh. Well that’s okay. Can I come by tomorrow?”

“Well…” Something in my gut told me I wouldn’t like what Willow said next. “I won’t be here tomorrow. They want me to come up for orientation on Monday and Mom wants to leave tomorrow to make the drive.”

My stomach sank along with my shoulders. “Oh. Okay. Well, we’ll just get together when you get back. When do you leave for the program?”

I heard Willow swallow. “Three weeks.”

“Three weeks?” I repeated back to her in a high shrill I didn’t know my voice was capable of making. Clearing my throat, I tried to calm down. “That’s so soon.”

“I know.”

We were silent for a moment, and I knew I was making her accomplishment seem like something she should be sad about. Which was dramatic and immature, and I was trying to be better at both, so I forced a smile. “Well, we have a lot of shopping to do in three weeks if we’re going to get you ready for college.”

Willow squeaked. “Oh my God, Nat. I got in! I’m going to the advanced program at Appalachian State!”

We both screamed together and I felt a surge of pride for my best friend. I didn’t want her to go, but I was proud of her. She deserved every bit of success I knew she would achieve.

I just wasn’t sure where I fit in her new plans.

Or what my plans would be.

“Gotta go, we just got to the restaurant. I love you!”

“Love you too, Lo.”

When we hung up, I stared down at the phone in my hand, the heavy silence of the empty house giving me goosebumps. Mom and Dale were out of town for the week traveling for business and to see a few family friends. Other than Christina, all our other help was off for the week, too. I was alone, and the one person I would call to comfort me was the one currently causing the pain.

I had no right to be upset that Willow was leaving — that much I knew. Still, whether that was the case or not, I felt like a part of me was being ripped away. Willow had been my best friend since we were toddlers. We never went more than a week without seeing each other. We were supposed to go to college together — it was always in our plans. But she was going to college and I was staying in Poxton Beach.

I had no idea how to handle that.

Even worse, it was my fault I was staying. I could have joined Willow a couple of months later in the fall, but I hadn’t so much as looked at how much the application fee for Appalachian State was, let alone apply. Because at the end of the day, I still didn’t know what I wanted to do. I was lost. I was idle. And the world kept spinning on without me.

It wasn’t that I hadn’t thought about my options, because I had. The truth was that the biggest part of me really wanted to go to an arts school, if I was going to do the college thing at all. But admitting that to myself wasn’t nearly as hard as it would be to tell Mom and Dale. They would want me at Appalachian State. With my best friend going there, it shouldn’t have seemed like such a big deal to me to not go, but it was. I didn’t want to be like everyone else in Poxton Beach. In fact, I wanted out of the town altogether.

The shock of that admission hit me in the chest and I exhaled a long breath.

I flipped through my contacts, landing on Mason’s number and staring at it. My thumb hovered over the call button, my breath labored as I tried to figure out what to do. I needed to get out of the house, I needed to be with someone, but I knew Mason wasn’t that someone. I could call Christina, but she was with her boys, and I didn’t want to pull her away when she was finally getting some quality time with them now that Mom and Dale were out of town.

My knee bounced as I thought hard about who to call. Rhodes popped into my mind out of nowhere and I shook my head, but then I paused. Maybe he could help. He did kind of save me from my thoughts after that night at the fair, and we were joking around more. He wasn’t Willow, by any means, but he cared about me. Right?