“No!” I rear back and stab his uniform and tear it apart. “How? My entire life I was devoted to you!” The knife rips another shred. I drop it and the clattering against the wood floor is the only sound that penetrates the air.

I stand in his closet and inhale. It hits me like a brick to the chest, I smell him. It’s as if he’s standing behind me. The clove and musk scent is strong, and instead of sadness . . . I want to see it turned to ash.

“Okay, I’ll just go make some popcorn,” she leans back against the headboard.

“I hate this house! I want to set it on fucking fire,” I cry out and Reanell sits quiet. “Say something!”

“What do you want me to say? Tear it up, burn it down . . . do what you have to so you can start to heal.”

I look back in the closet where his shirts are shredded as if an animal tore through them. “Are you happy now?” I grab the shirt and grasp the hole, yanking it further. The pocket tears and I keep ripping apart anything in my sight. I taste the salt from my tears as I continue to assault his belongings. “Do you see me?” I cry out to the ceiling. “Do you see what you’ve done to me? I hate you! You’ve ruined me!”

Reanell touches my shoulder and I fall into her arms. “He didn’t ruin you. I think he just freed you.”

I wipe my eyes and let out a deep breath. “I need a shower.”

“Yeah, you do. Go get cleaned up and we’ll go get some fresh air and talk.”

“Grande, non-fat, white chocolate mocha please.” I order my drink of choice and sit in the chair across from Reanell.

“She could be completely full of shit,” she tries to convince me for the third time today.

I look out the window and try to find an answer that doesn’t end in “fuck you.” “You and I both know she’s not. She was at his funeral.”

“That day was a blur for you. Are you sure it was really her?”

Aarabelle plays with a smile on her face, throwing the toys out of her stroller as we sit on the deck. “I know it was, but I know it in my heart.”

Reanell sits back and shakes her head. “Maybe. I don’t know. I knew you and Aaron weren’t perfect. I feel like you need to remember that. But I’m going to say this and you can punch me: he’s not here anymore, Lee,” she lets out a shaky breath. “You have Liam now. Are you willing to let him go?”

“Do you realize how fucked up this is? Legitimately, this is so insane I can’t even fully comprehend it.” I begin to ramble as it all comes out. “I married Aaron out of high school, followed him all over the place. Made it through how many deployments, work-ups, and all that other crap to have him get out of the Navy. Then, he goes to work for Jackson and somewhere in there he screwed someone else while I was pregnant. Oh, but wait!” I keep going with my hands moving as I speak. “He goes and gets himself blown the fuck up! Yup! That’s my life. But no, it gets better, because it wouldn’t be fun if I didn’t keep going . . . I fall in love with his best friend,” I say and then sit back.

Oh my God.

“Love, huh?”

“I said love.”

“Yeah, you sure did.” Reanell studies me over the rim of her cup and then takes a slow sip of her drink.

“I didn’t—” I start to say “I didn’t mean it,” but the words get stuck in my throat.

“Dadadada!” Aarabelle screams as she throws her pacifier.

“Mamamama,” I say as I try to get her to say my name. She laughs and raises her arms. I lift her and hold her close.

“You’re going to try to deflect, but you and I both know you and Liam work. You make sense.”

I hold my daughter close and kiss her. “How so? We’ve kissed a few times, so how are we working?” I ask while bouncing Aara up and down. She giggles and my heart that felt broken mends with the love of my child.

“Maybe I’m talking out of my ass. I like him. He’s different than Aaron was. I know you think you guys had a good marriage, but do you remember all the bad? What about the nights he was being an asshole and angry at nothing? What about the way he’d go out with Quinn and the other guys and not come home? How easily you forget all of that.”

“Aaron and I never had it perfect, but what was wrong is what made us right.” I defend my life and feel foolish. He wasn’t always great. In fact, if I’m honest, there were many times where I wasn’t sure we would make it.

War changes a man. It causes what was once a light heart to become black and cynical. He’d been slightly injured in the firefight in Iraq that took out his team, and that loss affected him greatly. After that mission, he was never the same. I gave him time and space, but when he chose to get out of the Navy, things were bad for quite a while. He was angry, and when I got pregnant, there was a part of him that pulled away from me completely. He wasn’t happy, but he pretended. I guess I did a lot of pretending as well. If I avoided the issues I thought they would just go away.

“I know it’s not easy, but give yourself some time.”

“And you still like him after he left last night? I threw myself at him, begged him to sleep with me, and he said no and then left.”

She huffs and looks away, frustrated with me. “Did you actually want to screw him on the night you found out about your husband’s affair? Is that what you want to remember? I think he’s a fucking hero for telling you no!” Reanell doesn’t typically get loud with me, but here she is cursing at me.

“Don’t judge me, Rea.”

Her eyes narrow and her jaw falls. “Are you high? Because there’s no way you would ever say that shit to me. I’ve never judged you, Natalie. Ever. You have no idea, and for that, you’re an asshole.”

“Gee, thanks.”

My phone rings and I look at the screen and see Liam’s name.

“Hello,” I answer the call.

“Hey, I wanted to check on you.”

Always concerned about me.

“I’m . . . I don’t even know. Reanell and I are getting coffee.”

“I think we should talk. Do you want to meet up?”

I draw in a breath and let it go. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I can handle much today.”

No response.

“Liam?”

“I’m here. Let me know when you decide.”

“I will,” I reply and hang up.

Reanell gives me the knowing eyes and keeps her mouth shut.

“Don’t look at me like that. There’s only so much one person can take in a day.”

Aarabelle demands my attention and I choose her. I’m a mother first and foremost. I need to decide if I’m ready to love again and if that person is Liam. It’s not fair to either of us to go forward only to find out later.

“You know, he was there this morning,” Reanell blurts out and then folds her arms across her chest.

My face is blank as I try to understand. “At the house?”

“Yup, sleeping on your couch while you were passed out. He came back. He stayed even though you pushed him away.”

“I don’t . . . I mean . . . why?”

“Why?” She throws her arms up and Aarabelle giggles. “Because maybe he loves you. He was worried about you, so he came to your house in the middle of the night and checked on you. Then fell asleep on your couch. But here’s the thing and why you’re an asshole . . .” she pauses and stares at me, “He left before you’d see. He could’ve stayed and made you face him, but instead he did the noble thing and left. He didn’t want me to tell you. So yeah, you’re an asshole.”