“Are we done here?” I ask.

“I’m trying to protect you,” Dad says. “One day you’ll understand.”

I laugh. “Protect me? You’ve hurt me more than anyone. You made me give up the guy I love—and I did it. And I’ll stay away from him because you’ll ruin his life unless I act like the daughter you want—instead of the person I really am. You want to control me and you succeeded. Congratulations, Dad. Now you’re just like Mom.”

Tyson shoves his hands in his pockets and examines the carpet. Dad’s forehead furrows, as if I’m not making sense.

But for the first time, everything I’m doing makes perfect sense.

“I never asked you to pretend to be someone you’re not,” Dad says.

“You can tell yourself that, but we both know the truth. You haven’t trusted me since the DUI. I made a mistake. But mistakes aren’t allowed in Jimmy Devereux’s world, are they? You told me trust has to be earned, and maybe I haven’t done enough to earn yours. But you broke my trust when you followed me around and took pictures of my friends. And you haven’t earned mine back yet, either.”

* * *

I stay buried under the covers for the rest of the weekend. Dad knocks on my door a few times, but I pretend I’m asleep. I e-mail Abel and Lex and tell them Dad confiscated my phone for the weekend because I came home late on Friday night. I’m not ready to talk about what happened yet.

Marco texts me nineteen times, and every single message breaks my heart open wider.

i love you, frankie. the always kind.

please don’t walk away.

frankie, are you there?

i can’t lose you.

I read the texts over and over, even though I’m torturing myself. Why does this hurt so much? I realize it’s because Marco and I work, and my life was finally starting to work for the first time since Noah died.

Letting go of Marco isn’t the same as losing Noah.

Noah is gone forever. When his head hit the ground the last time, he never opened his eyes again. It wasn’t my fault, but I feel guilty for being the one who is still here.

But Marco’s pain is 100 percent my fault. I caused it.

I promised not to hurt him, and I did it anyway.

The reasons don’t matter if I’m the only one of us who knows them.

CHAPTER 35

THE WRONG REASONS

On Monday morning, I slide a note under my door to tell Dad I am staying home sick. Then I text Lex to let her know I don’t need a ride, and I turn off my phone. Reading Marco’s texts hurt too much. When I make the mistake of turning it back on a few hours later, there are dozens of texts from Lex.

cruz said u broke up with marco????

what the hell is going on!?

are u there?

don’t ignore me francesca devereux!!!

marco looks like shit … he’s

following me around like a stalker

plz text & tell me if ur ok

I sent one text before I turn off my phone again.

i’ll explain when i see u.

promise.

just not ready to talk yet.

Dad resorts to leaving my meals in the hallway. Cujo has eaten most of them by the time I open my door, but he did leave the mac and cheese.

I leave Dad another note on Tuesday morning, identical to Monday’s note. I can’t play the sick card much longer, but I’m still not ready to see Marco. Because I have to do more than just face him. I have to lie to Marco about the reason I broke up with him.

On Wednesday morning, I finally drag myself out of bed, take a shower, and text Lex to let her know I need a ride. When I emerge from the hallway, Dad is camped out at the kitchen table with his eyes glued on the doorway, as if he was waiting for me to come out. The shower probably gave me away.

Dad sees me and his gaze drops to the sagging newspaper he’s holding. “Are you feeling okay?”

I keep walking, without acknowledging my father or his pathetic attempt at making peace. I haven’t spoken to him in four days, and I’m not breaking my streak now. I shut the apartment door behind me without saying a word.

Outside, Lex watches me from behind the wheel of the Fiat like she’s driving a getaway car.

“Are you ready to tell me what happened?” she asks as I slip into the passenger seat. “You look like you haven’t slept at all.”

Lex pulls away from the curb, and I do a double take. She looks awful. Her choppy blond hair always has a sexy slept-in style, but today it literally looks slept in—like she hasn’t brushed it in days. The shadows around her eyes rival mine.

“You look tired, too. Did you and Abel have another fight?”

She stops at a red light and takes a swig of the canned energy drink in her cup holder. “That would require knowing where he is.”

“When was the last time you talked to him?” I’m not launching into the details about what happened with Marco until I find out what’s going on with Abel.

“Monday.” She sounds worried instead of annoyed. We both know Abel can’t go more than twenty-four hours without talking to her. “I’ve called and texted him a dozen times. I told him that I was freaking out, and I asked him to text me back so I’d know he wasn’t in a car accident or something. But he still hasn’t called.”

“Did you get in touch with his mom?” The odds of tracking down Abel’s mother between parties, boyfriends, and her “Tommy Ryder’s widow” appearances are worse than my odds when I raced Ortiz.

Lex’s eyes well. She takes a deep breath and fights off the tears. “She hasn’t seen him. Not like she was worried or anything. My parents might have to defend their title as the World Champions of Ignoring Your Kid.”

“Maybe we should call hospitals.”

Lex pulls into the Monroe parking lot. “I already did.”

Only a handful of cars are parked in Lot B, and I don’t recognize any of them. Lot A is almost empty, too. Lex parks and checks her phone for messages.

“Do you think he’s doing drugs?” I hate asking. Abel’s dad overdosed, and his mom is a pill popper. As a result, Abel hates anything drug-related.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll ask Marco if he can ask around the Downs. He knows a lot of people.”

I burst into tears when she mentions his name.

Lex hugs me. “I’m sorry, Frankie. I shouldn’t have brought him up. I wasn’t thinking.”