I want to push her away, but instead I kiss her back and feel the bite of her lips. And then I whisper, "Kara."

Chapter 59

I hold aside the curtain, staring out the front window. Kara left during the middle of the night, slipping out of my arms. She said the timing wasn't right. No matter what I said, I couldn't stop her. One set course. I think of Dot's analogy and wish I'd never heard it.

Don't tell them, Kara said. Don't ruin the surprise. Don't tell.

I had tossed in my bed the rest of the night, torn by what I should do. How could I not tell? But I can't deny all my years with Kara. I owe her. I can't be disloyal with this one small request. The timing isn't right. When would it be right? Is it possible she considered what I told her about Jenna wanting to be our friend again? That she's trying to work through her own anger before she reveals herself? At breakfast Jenna asked me if I was all right. I could barely put two words together, but I didn't tell. What should have been a night that gave me the answers I wanted instead left me feeling lost, and continuing the lie only makes it worse.

I remember Jenna's confidence when we first talked about Kara. I knew her better than anyone. Yes, she'll be angry. But she's my friend. That will never change. We'll work this out.

Will we?

"Watching for Kara again?"

I spin around. Allys stands in the doorway.

"Maybe," I answer. I drop my hand and the curtain closes.

"It must be very confusing for you."

"What do you mean?" I hear the nuance in her voice. The implication. But I don't know what she's implying. Did she hear us last night? "Nothing's confusing about it. She's still missing."

"Oh, that's not what I meant. I was talking about how you think you're in love with them both."

"What? That's a stretch. You read too much into looking out a window. They're both my good friends. That's all."

She nods. "Oh ... of course. My mistake." I hear the smirk in her voice.

I look back out the window. "Yeah. Your mistake."

She's wrong. I don't think I love them both. I do love them both. And I know I shouldn't.

I whip back around. "What do you mean by think?"

She shrugs. "There are lots of feelings we can have for different people, but I think you can only truly give your heart to one person."

I plop down in the chair next to the window. "Well, I guess for someone who's been married a dozen times, you've already disproved your own theory, haven't you?" I watch the quick flutter of her eyelashes. It was a low blow. I know. But what does she know about my heart or head? She asked for it, trying to dig into something that already feels like poison inside of me.

She nods, staring at me for a few seconds, and then turns and leaves. I lean back in the chair, looking at the empty doorway where she stood. The air has left the room. I jump up and head for the front door. I need a walk. Some place where my thoughts are still my own and no one meddles in them. That is, if walks are even still what they used to be. Even the simplest things are complicated now. I grab my jacket before I walk out. Yeah, Allys. Call it whatever you want.

Chapter 60

I walk down the road with no direction in mind. Just away. Maybe Miesha had it right--leave it all behind.

But I did that once and I wonder. What if I hadn't?

Locke. Come back to us. Open your eyes. Try. You have to try.

My father was firm in a way he rarely was, in a way that made me want to do exactly as he said. But I couldn't find my way. I tried to follow his voice. Come back. And then I heard Jenna and Kara. Their voices were frightened--as frightened as mine--and somehow that made me braver. I called to them both. I'm here. Here, Jenna. Here, Kara. They called back. Our voices touched, but our fingers were lost in the darkness. And then Jenna's voice disappeared and I could only hear Kara. Don't leave, Jenna. I wondered how long it would be until Kara disappeared and I was left completely alone. I clung to Kara's thoughts so she wouldn't leave me too.

But what if I had tried harder? What if I had opened my eyes and done as my father said? Maybe I would have lived my life as planned. Maybe I would have died as planned.

Instead I'm here.

The road, the trees, the houses, they go by in a blur. I take in a deep breath and try to slow my pace, but my thoughts are stuck in a warped backward spiral. Don't get in my head, Allys. Don't even try.

It didn't work with Gatsbro, either.

Here. This is the only record we could find of your accident. Just so you know what happened.

We knew.

Gatsbro had shown us the news clip on his office Vgram, thinking we didn't remember the accident since we never spoke of it. But even though I knew what happened, I didn't know how the rest of the world thought it happened. I read the article three times. Kara read it only once.

Fox Prosecution on Hold Pending Recovery

BOSTON--In spite of a pending civil action, the district attorney's office reports that it has no plans at this time to prosecute Jenna Fox, 16, daughter of Matthew Fox, founder of Fox BioSystems, based here in Boston. There were no apparent witnesses to the accident. Passenger Locke Jenkins, also 16, died two weeks after the accident without regaining consciousness. Kara Manning, 17, the second passenger, sustained severe head trauma when she was thrown from the car and as a result could not give investigators any information. She died three weeks following the accident when her family removed life support.