“You’ll see.” I drive into a park. It’s past dark and there aren’t many lights along the road once we’re inside.

Sean looks around and says, “If I wasn’t stuck in my seat, I’d be worried you were going to hack me up and leave me in the woods.”

Grinning, I reply, “I have to get you out of the seatbelt somehow.”

“You’re a little twisted, you know that?”

“Oh, and you aren’t?”

“I never said that.” Sean gives me a look and shakes his head.

“What then?” I say, driving past the building I was looking for. There are a few cars in the parking lot. I drive around back and stop the car. It shudders and dies.

“You surprise me, that’s all.” Sean looks around and asks, “Where are we?”

“At the skating rink.” I get out of the car and walk around to his side. I yank open the door to find him trying to free himself from the seat. “I’ll get it. Wait a second.” I flip open the glove box and grab a screwdriver. I lean across his lap and shove the screwdriver into the buckle. I can feel Sean’s breath on my cheek. His scent fills my head as I jiggle the screwdriver and the buckle comes free. “There.” Sean’s gaze is intense, like I just did something so sexy that he’s going to die. The way he looks at me, makes every nerve in my body feel like it’s strung tight. I want to scream in giddy excitement and laugh.

“Thanks,” Sean says, his voice a little too husky. I turn and walk away from the car. Sean steps out of the old car and slams the door. “What are we—?” he asks but doesn’t have a chance to finish before getting hit in the face with a snowball.

I laugh hysterically, standing next to the enormous pile of ice shavings from the rink. After they fix the ice, all the shavings are dumped out back to melt. It’s the funniest thing to grab some snow and hurl a snowball at someone when it’s summer. Since it’s cold outside, there is a lot more than normal because it hasn’t melted yet, but still—Sean doesn’t expect it. The look on his face is priceless.

Sean turns toward me in slow motion, his eyes taking in the pile of snow. “You took me here to have a snowball fight?”

I nod. “Well, I can’t exactly take my chastity belt off for just anyone. You have to earn it, man.”

“I thought I bought it,” he says, walking slowly toward the pile of snow. It’s taller than both of us. It looks like the huge snow piles you see in parking lots after the plows push all the snow aside.

I back up the hill, grinning like a lunatic. “You bought the belt, not the key.”

“I’m going to pretend that I’m not in metaphorical hell and—”

Smack! I hurl another snowball at him. It hits his cheek and explodes into powder.

“You talk too much,” I giggle and start grabbing snow and throwing snowballs as fast as I can.

Sean doesn’t hesitate. He runs up the pile of snow in his black suit and tailored black coat. He runs up the hill so that he’s higher than me. I nail him in the stomach with a few throws before he has time to retaliate. A snowball clips my ear and the snow goes down my sweater. My hands start to sting from my lack of gloves, but I don’t really notice. We’re laughing and jumping around on the snow hill, pegging each other like little kids. Sean laughs so much that his eyes water. When I least expect it, he charges me running straight at me. Sean’s body collides with mine, and he pins me in the snow, holding my hands down at my sides.

I yelp as snow goes places it shouldn’t. “You suck! Let me go! Lemme go! Lemmegahhhh!” My laughter turns into hysterical screeches when he yanks my feet and snow gets shoved up my back. I try to twist away, but he doesn’t let me.

Flailing, I kick my legs out of his grip and swing. My leg clotheslines him and Sean falls next to me. I take my chance and jump on top of him, straddling him and shove snow in his face. “You’re so mean!” I laugh, trying to make him eat snow.

Sean grabs my wrists and pulls me down on top of him. Our eyes lock and I can’t look away. I’m freezing, but I don’t care. I want him. Leaning in slowly, I think about kissing him, about how it would feel. That’s when someone opens the backdoor to the ice rink and starts yelling.

“You damn kids! Get the hell out of here!” He can’t see us, it’s so dark, but we’ve been so loud up until now that he knows we’re here. He shines a flashlight at the snow pile.

My eyes go wide and I stifle a laugh. I get off Sean and pull him to his feet, dragging him by the wrist around to the back of the snow pile. We stay there for a second, until the guy gives up, and then burst out laughing.

“Holy shit,” he says, doubled over and breathing hard. “I haven’t gotten yelled at like that since high school.”

“Yeah, what’d you do then?” I say, laughing.

“Toilet papered the principal’s car… and got caught by said principal when he left for lunch early.” Sean snorts a blast of laughter and shakes his head. “He let me have it.”

I smile at him as we head to my car. It feels like I should take his hand in mine, but I don’t. We smile at each other and get back into the car. Breathing hard, I look at him. My face is frozen and I’ve been smiling so much that it’s stuck like that.

“Thanks,” I say.

“For what?” Sean looks at me, but he doesn’t know it yet. There’s a stain that mars my life. It hangs over me like a lead balloon.

“I haven’t laughed so much in a really long time.”

Sean takes my hand and holds it to his lips, cradling my frozen fingers between his. “Neither have I.” Sean opens his mouth, like he wants to say more, but he doesn’t. Instead he releases my hand and I drive him back to the restaurant where he grabs his bike and we part ways.

CHAPTER 11

By the time I get home, I’m cold and tired. My head is spinning, unable to understand how tonight went from disastrous, to bliss. The laugh lines on my face seem like they’re going to be etched onto my skin until I walk into my dorm room. Amber is on top of some guy, riding him like a horse, and they’re both naked. I look away, but it’s not before I get an eye full of her bouncing boobs and sex noises that I could have lived without hearing. Again.

I go into the shower and lock the door. I stay in there forever, hoping they’ll both pull their groin muscles or something. After a while, the hot water beats on my back and I start thinking about Sean. I wonder if I’ll ever be like that. Amber’s a skank. I wonder what made her that way, and hope to God that it doesn’t happen to me. When I get out of the shower, I wrap myself in a towel and pad out into our room. The monkey loving is over, and I head to find clothes.

Amber is sitting up on her bed with a pink sheet draped over her body. The guy she was with is gone. Disgusted, I say, “Was that the fourth guy this week?”

“Yes, no thanks to you. Dennis tried to dump me after you blabbed.” Amber grabs a pack of cigarettes and smacks them into her palm after opening the window. She’s smoking again. Wonderful.

“There’d be nothing to keep secret if you didn’t screw every guy who walked in here.” I yank a pair of sweats on and head to my bed.

Amber laughs bitterly, “You need to get laid. You should have taken up what’s-his-face up on the three way.”

“You disgust me,” I say, staring at the ceiling and wishing she’d fall out the window.

“Are you saving yourself, Avery? You think the right guy will just waltz into your life and you’ll be in love? Get real. Life doesn’t work that way. Sex is dirty. It has nothing to do with love.”

“I feel sorry for you,” I mutter, not thinking about what I’ve said.

“Screw you, bitch. You act like you’re better than me, but you’re not. You’re a goddamn whore, you just don’t know it yet.” She sucks on her cigarette and holds it in. “Or maybe you do and that’s why you’re such a bitch.” She releases a cloud of white smoke out the window.

When people find out that Amber’s my roommate, they feel sorry for me. Her reputation precedes her. She’s a total whore and everyone knows. The thing is, while she’s absolutely vile, her words are true. I turn my back on her and feel the center of my chest cramp. After tomorrow, I’ll be a whore—a real one.

Pressing my lips together, I say, “You’re right.”

Amber laughs, like she doesn’t believe me. She waits for me to say something else, to bash her again, but I don’t. I can’t. I’m a hypocrite. I don’t like that she’s slutty, because it affects me. No, that’s not true. I don’t like her because she’s vile, because she’s always got some guy’s dick in her mouth. At least that’s what I’ve told myself all this time.

I don’t want to think about it anymore. I close my eyes, willing sleep to come, but it doesn’t. I lay there long after Amber passes out. My heart races so hard that I can’t stand it. I curl into a ball and feel the tears streak my face. I wish things weren’t the way they are. I fall asleep, wishing my life to be different, hoping for a miracle.

CHAPTER 12

Miss Black calls me and lets me know that I have a date this evening. I wear my new dress. This time I change in my room. Amber isn’t around. She’s avoiding me, which is kind of nice. I zip my new dress and put my heels in my shoulder bag, since I have to drive my car to Black’s.

When I arrive, Miss Black looks me over, approves my dress and then does all the measurements. Lastly, she comments on my lingerie. I’m wearing a white cotton set that’s trimmed with embroidery and lace. The bra is no more than a shelf. It barely conceals my nipples. If I lean forward, I’ll fall out of the bra and the dress.

Miss Black says, “The bikini panty is fine for the virgin gig, but when this is over, I want you in a thong or g-string. No exceptions.” I feel like a bad employee. I nod and don’t say anything. She seems to think that I’ll be staying here for a while, even though I told her that I’m not.