It wasn’t the first time I felt a sharp flash of shame at the way I rushed to Cole every chance I got.

“Won’t give me any clues will you? I’m starting to think you’re involved in a secret cult with plans for global domination.”

It was my turn to laugh. “Not even close. So tell me why it’s so important that you caught me before I left?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Well, I was wondering, if you’re not too busy, if you’d like to grab some lunch today. We could look over the proposed budget and I could go ahead and approve it for you. You know so it wouldn’t delay things for you next week when you got back,” Theo suggested and I couldn’t help but smile at his less than subtle offer.

“Is that the only reason you want to have lunch with me? To see the budget? Sounds pretty boring to me,” I baited.

I was horrible.

I knew flirting with Theo was a bad idea. But it felt really nice to have the attention of such a hot guy who was genuinely interested in me.

Theo thought I was smart. Theo thought I was capable. He liked to tell me how incredible I was. He cloaked it in professionalism, of course. After all he was a client. But I knew he meant it as so much more than that.

I knew a hot and bothered male when I saw one.

Theo was the man you’d take home to Mom. He was the perfect guy for my slowly evolving lifestyle change.

Yet I was going with Gracie this weekend to Raleigh to see the other man in my life. The one Mom would never, ever know about.

The one I had no doubt would ruin me in the worst possible way.

Theo’s answering laugh was predictably uneasy but happy. He liked my flirting. But I made him nervous. He didn’t quite know if I was joking or being serious.

That made two of us.

“Well, I. . .I’d like your company as well, of course,” Theo stuttered adorably. Knowing I kept him off-balance was such a powerful feeling. With Cole I was always the one off kilter. I couldn’t think of a time he ever stumbled over his words when he spoke to me.

But what more could I expect from a man who gave me orgasms and little else?

“I’m not really worried about delays. We’re way ahead of schedule,” I stated, dialing back the flirting a bit, feeling somewhat deflated by my guilt and Cole based shame.

I had been steeling myself all week for what I expected to find when I got down to Raleigh. Who I would have to fend off and how much damage I would have to inflict.

And I was excited about it. I knew exactly what that said about me. I knew what sort of person that made me.

I had no delusions. I was addicted to the rush only Cole could give me. But it exhausted me as well.

I was torn and conflicted and oh so ashamed to feel anything at all.

Cole turned me upside down and inside out.

I loved it.

But I hated him for it.

“Vivian? Did you hear what I just said?” Theo asked and I shook my head and pressed the receiver to my ear. Fixating on Cole in any way shape or form was not conducive to getting my job done.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized.

Theo chuckled good-naturedly. “I said the budget was just my excuse. I’d really like to take you to lunch and not talk about work at all. What do you think?” he asked in a rush.

And there it was. I had been anticipating it. I knew it was only a matter of time. I had practically forced this to happen.

So why did I feel suddenly apprehensive at the prospect of going on an actual date with Theo Anderson?

Was it because I actually liked him?

Was it because with him was the possibility of an actual relationship? A tiny slice of normalcy that I had otherwise been missing in my life.

That to accept would be to take that first step away from Cole for good.

I hadn’t dated anyone since Cole and I started sleeping together. Sure there had been dates here and there but I had always found a reason to call it quits before it ever began.

I kissed some guys. But Cole was the only man I had been with in over two years.

Because Cole had been the only one I wanted. For all of his faults, he fulfilled this crazy need I had inside me like no one else could.

But Theo was different. Or maybe it was me that was different.

I felt something alter inside me. I was reaching a breaking point and I knew that now was my moment for change.

My cell phone dinged in my purse, as if on cue. I pulled it out and looked down at the screen and had to cover my mouth so I wouldn’t laugh in Theo’s ear.

Mr. Winky and I miss you…

A few seconds later another text came in and this time I had to snicker out loud at the cartoon drawing of a penis with sad eyes and a pouting mouth saying, Hurry up, I’m lonely!

My heart thudded in my chest and my stomach coiled up in anticipation. I missed him too, damn him!

I was honestly starting to question whether the man had latent psychic abilities. Even from hundreds of miles away he was screwing up my world and driving me insane.

“Vivian. I wasn’t trying to be funny. I really want to know if you’ll go out to lunch with me today. I’m asking you out,” Theo rambled and I turned off my cell phone. Cole’s Mr. Winky and his cartoon eyes would just have to wait.

I squeezed my eyes shut and did the stupidest thing I could do. I knew instantly I was a fool. But I was a fool who craved the mistake she was going to make.

“I can’t make it today, Theo. Maybe another time.”

Gracie and I drove into Raleigh around midafternoon on Friday.

We called Maysie and I was both disappointed and slightly relieved when she informed us that the guys were over at another radio station for some press and interviews.