She puts the bowl on the counter and comes around the island. “What is it?” Her fingers press under my chin, forcing me to look at her. Her kind eyes take me back to when I was a kid.

Tears fill my eyes to the brim, spilling over as I let the words come. “He took his own life. Todd got us in financial trouble, and he . . . he . . . he chose to leave. God didn’t do this. God didn’t take him. He took himself.”

My heart hammers against my chest as she takes me in her arms. My mother holds me close, and I cling to her. Sometimes a girl needs her mama’s embrace. This is one of those times. I fear the judgment, but it doesn’t come. She gives me all her love and support as I let it out. I feel her chest heave as she cries with me.

After some time, she kisses the top of my head and looks at me with bloodshot eyes. “The boys?”

“They don’t know,” I say immediately. “They can’t know. No one can.” I implore her with my eyes. She needs to keep my secret.

“Okay.” She nods. “Who else knows?”

“Only Angie and Todd’s parents.” I pause. “And Zach.”

The hurt flashes in her eyes, but she covers it quickly. “I see.”

“No.” I grab her hand. “It wasn’t like that, Mama. I was drinking, he was there, Felicia got me riled up, and Zach was calming me down. I was yelling at him, and it came out.”

She pats the side of my cheek. “I’m not mad, baby girl. I’m just sad for you. I wish you would’ve told me. Your daddy and I didn’t understand why you had no money with Todd being a big financial whatever up there.”

“Yeah, he financially screwed me.”

Mama sits as I spill the details. I let out every ugly piece of the truth, and it’s both freeing and exhausting. My tears ebb and flow, pain radiates from my chest, and yet, through the broken parts of me, I heal. Her understanding, warmth, and touch allow me a chance to grieve a little deeper. I don’t forgive him. Not for any of it. But maybe a part of me understands his desperation.

“I think you should come visit,” Angie tries to encourage me.

“I wish I could. I have to work. You know why.”

My mother offered to give us money, but I refused. It would be easier, but my need to rely on others is partially what got me into this mess. Had I been more involved with my own life, I would’ve known. But I went on believing everything was fine. As much as I wish the chain of events were different, I can’t undo them. And I need to take care of myself.

“I miss you tons.”

“I miss you more.”

“You should,” she jokes.

I ignore her comment. “Did you decide on the cupcake of the month?” I ask. I miss the store so much.

She laughs. “I did. It’s not a cupcake though.”

“Umm,” I say with confusion. “It’s a cupcake of the month!”

“I picked a muffin!”

“A muffin? Who the hell wants a muffin at a cupcake place?”

I swear this girl and her half-brained ideas.

“We’ve sold more this week than we have in a long time.”

Huh. Well, okay then. I guess muffins are cupcakes without the frosting.

We talk about the two guys she’s dumped in the last two weeks. I’ve always needed to be with someone. Angie, though, enjoys her space and freedom. She’s the ultimate city girl. I don’t think she will ever leave her downtown apartment for the suburbs.

“The boys start school soon?”

“Yeah, three weeks.” I inwardly groan. This is going to be so hard for them. They don’t have a clue how different this environment will be.

“They’ll be fine. I talked to Cayden this week. He sounds really excited.”

I laugh. “He is. But I think it’s because he’s finally going to be out of the house.”

“He loves that horse too,” she says with a hint of disappointment.

“He really does.”

She can be pissed that Zach gave it to him, I don’t care.

“About that—” There is a beat of silence before she continues, “Shit. I have to go. We’ll talk soon, okay?”

I thank the heavens that we can avoid this topic a little longer. “Love you.”

“Love you more.”

We disconnect, and I flop back on the bed ready to pass out. This is going to be a fight. This is going to drive a deeper wedge between us. She’ll never accept this, and I have to come to peace with possibly losing my sister.

“Did you even love me?” Todd asks with anger seeping from every pore. “Was I ever the one you wanted?”

I’m so tired of this same conversation. Of course I loved him. He was my husband. I just want him to stop doing this to me.

“How could you even ask me that?” I yell back in my own hostility. “You did this! You chose this! You! Not me!” I want him to see that this isn’t my fault. But he keeps berating me every night.

He steps closer. “I loved you when he didn’t. I was there. Now you’re going back to him like he didn’t throw you away?”

How dare he question me? “You’ve got some nerve! You think I should sit around crying over you? What about my heart? What about all the pain you’ve inflicted? You sling around your accusations as if I put this into motion.”

Todd grips my arms and tears fall. It’s the first time we’ve touched since he left me. I rip my arms away. “Presley.” His voice cracks.

“No!” I sob. “No, you can’t. You’re gone. You’re not here for me.” Every piece of me breaks inside. He’s a ghost, an illusion, but he feels so real. “In all the years we were together, I was only with you. I loved you. I had children with you.”

He lets out a deep breath. “You and I both know that’s a lie.”

My eyes snap up to meet the sadness in his. “A lie?”

“You and I both know that you never wanted to have children with me. Those boys came by one drunken night when you forgot to take your pill. Let’s not delude ourselves.”

I walk with my fist balled and slam it into his chest. “I hate you.”

“I hate me too! Why do you think I left you?”

I start to shake and fall to the ground. I have no fight left. “I’m not going to live like this.”

“Just tell me why it was so easy to go back to him.” He crouches down and takes my hand. “Why so soon? Why is he so hard for you to let go of? Did you ever let go?”

I gaze at him with tears falling freely. “I don’t know.”

“I do.” He sighs. “Because it was always him.”

I wake and sit up, out of breath. It was only a dream. I would swear it really happened, but know my mind is playing tricks on me. My heart pounds in my chest as his last words play on repeat. “Because it was always him.”

Zach: Come meet me at the barn.

Me: What barn?

Zach: Yours.

I HEAD OUTSIDE IN THE stifling heat. You could fry an egg on the ground with the way the sun is beating down. I didn’t expect to see anyone today, and the office only has a fan so I wore a pair of cut off jeans, a white tank, and my cowboy hat.