A smile crept onto my face and I smiled at my girl like a fool as one thing came to mind that always made me feel better once I’d done it. “There is ONE thing...” My smile grew even bigger. “Tell me, Doc.” I leaned in close, “How do you feel about misdemeanors?”

“They have their uses.”

“Come on. I’ll show you how much fun those uses can be.”

Twenty minutes later we were standing in front of the Stop- N-shop in the shadows where the one overhead light in the parking light couldn’t reach. We had a full view of the heavily pimpled man-child working the counter, but there was no way he could see us.

“On the count of three,” I said, “One...”

“Wait, why are we doing this again?” Dre asked with a giggle that made my balls tighten.

“Because revenge is sweet and bullying is wrong, don’t you read the papers? These people need to be taught a lesson for future generations.”

“He bullied you?” she asked, sounding as if he’d also kicked her puppy.

“Yep, used to kick my ass all the time in grade school. You know, I won though, but it was still super annoying.”

“That fucker!”

“Exactly. So are we doing this or what, Doc? If you’re in it’s pick up that pretty skirt and grab your balls. Are you in or are you out?”

She didn’t hesitate. “Oh, I’m in alright.” Dre raised her arm in launch position and tipped her chin to me. “Ready!”

I started the countdown. “One...Two...Three!” On three we both threw as hard as we can, not stopping until the two dozen eggs in the carton were all gone and smashed against the window. “It’s fucking beautiful,” Dre said, admiring the smears and drips of liquid yolk sliding down the glass, the lights from inside the store gave what we did a backlit effect, making it look as if the window was glowing.

“We should probably run,” I suggested, hearing the ding of the front door and the stomp of angry steps across the pavement.

“Sure, where do you want to go now...”

“No, we should run!” I yelled, grabbing her arm and dragging her with me until she realized that Tyler was right behind us as well as blue and red lights of a patrol car that had just skid into the parking lot.

“Shit!” Dre squealed sounding more delighted than one should be when the possibility being cuffed in the back of a squad car by the end of the night was pretty fucking high.

“This way,” I said, leading her over the chain link fence in the back of the store and then down the path that twisted through a wooded area and ended up across the road from my house. We darted over dead plants and tree roots, my memory of the path I used to know so well the only thing guiding us forward on the dark path. Dre squealed again when we heard the sound of the fence rattling. A mini tunnel of brightness darted from side to side ahead of us, courtesy of a strong ass cop flashlight.

“Stop, you’re under arrest!” ordered the officer chasing us.

“If we keep going this way he’s going to catch up to us. We need a better plan,” Dre pointed out.

She was right. I wasn’t the only one who knew the path, but suddenly, like an idea bulb growing bright, a light came into view in the distance from a house that definitely didn’t exist last time I was in those woods. Laughter and soft rock music filled the air. A clink of glasses. A splashing of water. The smell of meat on a grill. It seemed as if someone was having a barbecue, and those someones were about to have two new best friends.

“Come on,” I said, hopping over the little white picket fence lining the backyard. As we ran toward the back of the house I realized it wasn’t a bar-b-que as much as a couple, two men sitting in a small hot tub on their back deck, drinking red wine while a closed grill smoked just a few feet away. The outdoor table was set for four, complete with plates and glasses, as if they were expecting more company.

“What the hell are you...” Dre started to ask as I stripped off my clothes.

“Take off your clothes,” I told her. “Now.”

“Who the hell are you?” the younger man of the two asked, standing up in the water to reveal the smallest speedos no man should ever be subjected to seeing in his lifetime. The other man, a silver haired older gentleman, looked mildly amused and very VERY high. They must have smoked earlier because although the source of it wasn’t laying around, the light smell of weed still lingered in the air.

“We, gentleman, are your company for the night,” I announced, “And we’ve been here all day,” I added, glancing back into the woods, the beam of the light was growing closer. “I’m Samuel and this is my wife Dre.” Dre gave them a small wave as she continued to undress. She added one of her famous huge red lipped smiles too although I was sure it wasn’t as effective on them as it always seemed to be on me.

I grabbed the bottle of wine from the ledge on the side of the tub and poured it into the two empty glasses lining the place settings. Dre kicked off her shoes until she was only in her underwear and bra. She picked up her clothes and mine and tossed them into the open kitchen window. The men watched her with confused expressions on their faces. The man who was standing slowly sank back down into the bubbling water. “And if you play along with what’s about to happen, I’ll give you a six-month supply of the best weed you can get your hands on in all of Logan’s Beach.”

The older man seemed to be thinking over my offer although I’d wished he’d think it over faster. MUCH FASTER. “That would be good because the stuff I bought today across the bridge was...how you say... shit,” he said with a very heavy Spanish accent. I stepped into the hot tub in only my boxers, my legs having no choice but to brush against speedo-man in the small tub. I handed Dre her glass of wine and helped her into the tub next to me. I grabbed a handful of water and wet my hair before wrapping my arm around Dre’s shoulders and pulling her close to my side.

“I’m Fred and that sexy gentleman is Meryl,” Fred announced before playfully swatting Meryl on the shoulder. “And you said we should have built in Miami because there is no excitement in Logan’s Beach.” He held his glass up in our direction, and then gasped with whispered delight when the officer hopped the back fence and started heading our way. “How much more excitement do you need?” he said, behind his hand as if the officer could read lips in the dark.