“So what now?” he asked.

He looked awkward standing there.

“Well, welcome home,” I said as I wrapped my arms around his waist.

He squeezed me back and I enjoyed the moment. When I leaned back and looked up at him, I expected him to kiss me. Instead, the side of his mouth lifted in a forced smile and he looked away like he wasn’t interested.

I pushed away and ran my fingers through my hair. “I’m going to take a shower. Make yourself at home.”

As soon as I got in the bathroom, I pulled out my cell and called Hope.

“What’s up, soccer star? Where the hell you been? Coach has been kicking our asses on the field.”

I turned on the shower water so Zeke wouldn’t hear me.

“Sorry. I had some business to take care of out of town. I just got back. Listen, Hope, do you have any more of those pills. I hate to ask, but… you know?”

The line grew silent and I could feel the panic starting at the base of my spine. What if she didn’t have any more? What if she couldn’t get more? I’d started to depend on that tiny pill to help me feel better. I hated those stupid episodes.

“Damn, Patience, I wish you called me yesterday. Mom’s all out and I have nothing, but do you have any money?”

“I have a little. Why?”

“There’s this guy I know. I can get you something similar from him for twenty bucks if you want?”

“Something similar?”

“Yeah. It’s just a little stronger so you can take half and get the full effect. It’s nothing dangerous, chick. I wouldn’t do that to you. So, do you want me to call him?”

This was a new low for me. Buying drugs from some guy I didn’t know wasn’t something I wanted to do, but I needed to. The thought of going into a panic attack in the middle of class or right before taking the field made me panic more. I didn’t want Zeke to know I was half bat-shit crazy, and with him living with me now, finding out was a very real possibility if I didn’t have any of what I liked to call my “chill pills.”

“Yeah, call him.”

After a long, hot shower, I found Zeke asleep on the couch. When I tried to wake him, he complained and rolled over. I wanted him in my bed, but at the same time, I didn’t want to bother him. With his hand being the way it was, he rarely slept much anymore.

I pulled all of our bags into the bedroom and threw them into the corner until tomorrow. I climbed into my bed, turned on my TV, and adjusted the sleep timer, and then I went to sleep.

A loud banging on the front door woke me the next morning. I was almost fully awake when I could hear Hope’s voice in the living room.

“What the fuck, dude? This is my girl’s house. I don’t know who the hell you are, but let me in or I swear to God I’m going to go all crazy bitch ninja on your ass.”

I jumped out of bed and ran into the next room.

“It’s okay, Zeke. You can let her in.”

Zeke let the door open and Hope gave him a big kiss-my-ass smile as she walked into my apartment.

“Sorry to wake you up, but I wanted to bring these to you and get my money back before class,” she said as she reached into her book bag.

“Not here,” I said in a rush.

Both she and Zeke looked at me like I was nuts.

“In the room. We’ll be right back,” I said to Zeke. “It’s girl stuff,” I said before he could ask any questions about why I was acting so weird.

I shut the door behind us when we got into my room.

“He doesn’t need to know. This is between me and you, okay?”

“Whatever you say,” she said as she shrugged.

She pulled out a cellophane wrapper from a pack of cigarettes and inside were three long bar-shaped white pills. I held up the baggy and shook it around. I’d never felt like a criminal in my life, even after taking a life, but for some reason, being holed up in my bedroom and exchanging money for pills made me feel like I belonged under the prison.

“What are these?” I asked.

I’d never seen pills that were long and rectangular.

“Xanax. They’re better than Valium, I think. Just take half and you’ll be set.”

“What does it do?”

I had no business taking pills. I was entirely too paranoid.

“Chill, girl. All it will do is relax you when you feel like you’re about to lose it. Trust me, these come in handy. Anyway, I gotta run. Class starts in twenty minutes. I’ll see you at practice this afternoon?” She turned toward the mirror and used a thumb to wipe away extra eyeliner from under her eye.