“You still haven’t mentioned a prize. Is there a prize?”

“Playboy CEO Beds Three Busty Blondes in Belize. What do you have to say for yourself, Michael?”

“Not much.” I walked over to my desk and clicked on the picture he’d emailed me. “They did a brilliant job with the use of alliteration in the title, though. They must have finally hired a competent editor.”

“God, Michael ...” He sucked in a breath and sighed. “Do we have any grounds to threaten them with retraction and defamation, or is this true?”

“It’s partially true.”

“Which part?”

“The part about me being in Belize.”

“Please stop fucking with me.”

“Fine.” I smiled. “I only ‘bedded’ two of the busty blondes. Not three.”

“Oh, just two. Well that’s quite comforting and I guess they owe you an apology. Not. Anything else?”

“Yes. The article says I’m wearing a Rolex in the photo. I haven’t worn a Rolex in over five years.”

“Ugh.” He groaned. “I’m using one hundred thousand dollars of our public relations account to prevent them from running this on Friday. I’m also sending them an additional two hundred to three hundred fifty thousand to refrain from mentioning your name or running your picture for the next two months.”

“Thank you.”

“Please don’t. I’ll need a list of everything you’ve done over the past eight months so I can clean it up in advance. And you know, for someone who plans to take his company public within the next two years, I would think that you would try a lot harder to clean up your image and stay out of the press. Otherwise, the only investors you’ll attract will be me and you.”

“Noted.” I poured one last shot of scotch. “Did you get my email about needing a new executive assistant?”

“Another one? This is number seven.”

“Eight. However, I’ve yet to be sent a competent one. Perhaps if you used a different screening agency, or at least let me sit in on some of the interviews—”

“No. I’ll tell you what I will do, though. But only if you do something for me.”

I was silent, so he continued.

“Could you kindly keep your dick in your pants for the next twelve months and try not to fuck anyone?”

Twelve months? “Anyone?”

“ANYONE. ANY-ONE.” He enunciated every syllable. “At least anyone who will definitely draw attention to you and your unfortunate, insatiable ways. And that includes all the women you have lined up for this week. Your assistants may not have known what those small blue dots on your digital calendar mean, but I do. Cancel them all right now. You can sleep with whoever you want again after you successfully go public.”

I hesitated for a long while, but I realized that what he was saying made perfect sense for the sake of the company and my image.

“Fine,” I said at last, begrudgingly sending them all my standard, “Something just came up. I’ll have to reschedule,” message and walked over to my windows.

“I’m not going to use our partner agency to find your new assistant. I’m going to handle this personally. Any requirements on your end?”

“Hiring someone who is capable of reading a book is a good start. I’d also prefer someone ten to fifteen years older than me, married or already engaged, submissive enough to complete tasks without sarcasm, Ivy League education, and someone who knows how to tell the goddamn time.”

“Yeah, okay. Let’s put up the job description in those exact words and see how much of a field day the press has with that one.”

“I’m willing to bend on the Ivy League part if it’s a college with a good reputation. I’m not bending on anything else.”

“We’ll see.” He was definitely rolling his eyes, and I could tell he was about to give me his much repeated lecture about hiring laws and blind interviews, so I beat him to it.

“Just get me the best person for the job. I’ll wait however long it takes since this “fire today, hire tomorrow” approach isn’t working. And actually, just get me someone who impresses you, because if that’s the case, I know this person will impress me.”

“Now, you’re finally thinking smart,” he said. “Give me six weeks. I’ll screen the hell out of everyone and make sure the next executive assistant you have is someone who’ll last over a year.

“Thank you, Brad.” I hung up, wanting to feel optimistic, but with my track record, I knew the odds of me employing the same executive assistant for a year were highly unlikely. Just like I knew the chances of me going twelve months without fucking someone were too unbelievable to completely fathom.

I’ll try it though....

THE EMAILS

Mya

Subject: Manhattan Publisher Seeks Executive Assistant

So ... I’m pretty sure this job listing is for that “sexy” CEO we sometimes see on all the tabloids!

You should definitely apply for this. You’d be perfect.

Check out the attachment below.

Your bestie,

Amy

—-—Forwarded Message——-

High level executive at Leighton Publishing seeks a highly competent and professional executive assistant. Requirements and salary package attached via pdf below. Send resume(s) and contact information to Brad.CollinsLeightonPublishing.

—Bachelor’s degree from an accredited college institution (master’s preferred)

—A minimum of five (5) years of experience working for high level corporate executive

—Passion for literature

—Ability to work under high stress and for at least 50-60 hours a week

—Ability to draft error-free press releases and PR copy at a moment’s notice

Salary&BenefitsLeightonPublishing.pdf

Subject: Re: Manhattan Publisher Seeks Executive Assistant

It can’t be. There’s no way a guy like that would post a job like this on Craigslist, is there? And with that huge salary range?!! O.M.G!

Wait. I thought he was the “naughty” CEO? Isn’t that what they call him?

Your bestie,

Mya

PS—I definitely applied. :-)

Subject: Re: Re: Manhattan Publisher Seeks Executive Assistant

“Naughty.” “Sexy.” Same thing. And who knows? Maybe he’s desperate?

According to Page Six and his former EA, he can’t keep an assistant for more than two months at a time. She claims he was “really demanding” and asked her to do “hard labor.”

Then again, I’m sure the real reason no women last around him is because they’re all distracted by how big his cock is.

(If you get hired, please find out how big it is. Do it for me, at least.)

Your bestie,

Amy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Manhattan Publisher Seeks Executive Assistant

The Brad guy from the ad just called me and told me to be at Leighton Publishing next Friday for an interview. AN. INTERVIEW!

Wish me luck!

Your bestie,

Mya

Subject: Did you get the job?

Haven’t heard anything from you in two weeks! The two of us aren’t that busy these days and you stay right across the hall! What gives?