Everything inside me stills. Everything but my heart, racing, thumping hard in my chest.

He opens the folder in his hands, his eyes shifting from left to right. “You have four weeks of leave accumulated?”

My gaze drops. I know what’s happening. And the thought of it turns my stomach to stone. “Yes.”

“It’s under recommendation from the Sergeant Major that you use your leave, Lance Corporal.” He closes the folder and holds it above the coffee table between us. “We have all the paper work to begin the out process. Anything else we can get to you? I assume all your gear is still at the barracks rooms?”

I stare at him.

“You happy for Conway to go through your stuff and send you your personals?”

I look at Conway. He’s looking down at his hands. He won’t make eye contact. He’s too goddamn nice.

In the corner of the room, Dad grunts.

And the walls—they start to close in. Like a cave, trapping me.

I look over at Dad and Eric. They won’t look at me either. Shame can do that to people. I attempt to swallow but my mouth’s dry. I reach for the glass of water on the table, my hands trembling.

“Banks,” First Sergeant says. “Are you okay?”

No. “Yes.” I ignore the water and take the folder from him before opening it on my lap.

“What’s happening?” Riley says quietly.

“It’s okay,” I assure her.

“I’m sorry, First Sergeant Fulton Sir,” Riley says, “What do you mean out process? What does that…” She takes a breath. “Dylan?”

I can feel her eyes burning a hole in the side of my head but my focus is on the page, the words blurred. I blink hard. It doesn’t help.

“Mal?” Riley says, her panic evident. “What does it mean?”

Eric answers for him. “It means he’s out.”

“Out?” she says, on her feet now. “Out of what?”

“The military, Ry,” Eric says, the disappointment in his words as evident as the panic in Riley’s.

I try to take her hand but she shrugs out of it. “Ry, sit down.”

“No!” she shouts. “You’re forcing him out?”

“Don’t Riley,” Eric warns.

“With all due respect, First Sergeant, how fucking dare you come into my home and disrespect my boyfriend. The Marines mean everything to him. Everything. He took a fucking bullet serving this country. He earned a Purple Heart for this country!”

I stare down at my lap, all of the words blurred, but for Riley’s which are clear as day.

“It should be his choice, Sir! If he wanted to leave, it should be his damn choice!”

“Riley,” Conway says, speaking for the first time since he entered. “We’re under orders to—”

“Fuck your orders!”

Holly gasps.

Riley’s words are unrelenting. “Dylan watched his best friend take his life and for what?! For fucking what?! So he could be forced to give up something so important to him because he made a mistake! You know Dylan, Conway. You probably know him better than I do. You both do!”

I finally look up at her, her rage visible in the way her hands fist at her sides, the redness in her face, the anger boiling inside and releasing in her tears.

She looks at my dad. He won’t say a word. She looks at Eric. He won’t either. Then she looks at me. “It should’ve been your choice,” she whispers. Then she stomps out of the room, slamming every door possible.

“She’s feisty,” First Sergeant tries to joke.

No one finds it funny.

“Banks, it’s better this way. After what you witnessed with O’Brien—”

“Don’t talk about him,” I grind out.

First Sergeant inhales deeply. “There won’t be any Military discipline for the DUI. Your record will remain clear if you ever decide to re-enlist.”

Holly hands me a pen. “Here, sweetheart.”

Five minutes later, everyone leaves. Holly stays. “You good?” she asks.

I nod.

“I’ll give you some time.”

An hour passes before my head is finally clear enough to face Riley. I get off the couch and make my way to her room. Riley’s pacing the floor, her back turned, one hand balling and straightening, the other over her mouth.

“Ry.”

She turns quickly. “I’m sorry,” she rushes out, moving toward me.

“It’s done, Ry.”

“Dylan. I don’t know what came over me. The way I spoke to them—”

“Ry!”

She swallows. Her eyes drifting shut. “I’m sorry, baby,” she says, wrapping her arms around my waist.

“I’m tired.”

“Okay.”

She helps me to the bed and takes off my shoe. “Are you hungry? I’ll heat up the pizza. We can eat in here.”

“Please.”

She leaves, returning a moment later with food and drink. After putting the drinks on the nightstand and sitting down next to me, she hands me a plate and sits hers on the bed next to her. “So,” she says, her arms stretched, her grip on the edge of the mattress. “Did you want to talk about it? Um. With someone? It doesn’t have to be me… or it can be… if you want to…”

I set my plate on the nightstand and turn to her. “Ry?”

Holly pops her head into the room. “Dylan, your dad’s at the door.”

My eyes drift shut, my heart racing again. Shame. It’s all I can feel. Not mine. His.

Without a word, she closes the door. Though her voice is muffled, I can hear her. “He’s fallen asleep, Mal,” she says.

Riley’s eyes snap to mine, sad and pleading.

“I promise, Riley. One day, we’ll talk about this.” I hold her face in my hands, kissing her once. “I’ll tell you everything, okay? Just not now. Please.”

“Okay.”

“Okay? Just okay?”

Her hands circle my wrists, pulling them away from her. Then she inhales deeply, her words rushed when she says, “I’ve been wanting to tell you something for a while and I never found the right time to say it…”

“What’s going on, Ry?” I ask, my heart dropping.

She releases my hands and shakes out hers. “I’ve never stopped loving you, Dylan. Through everything we went through there was never a time when I questioned how I felt about you. Ever. And I realized that I was wrong—when I felt like I wasn’t enough… I was. I am. It’s just that you weren’t ready. The timing in each of our grievances weren’t the same and if I had met you right after everything happened to me, there’s no way I would’ve been ready to accept you. Just like you didn’t accept me. You pushed me away, the same way I pushed Mom away and I understand it now. I think, in the end, we needed that pause—”

“Pause?” I whisper.

She lifts her chin, showing her strength. “We just needed this time apart to get back on the same page and now we’re here.”

“Riley…”

“First page. New book.”

I exhale loudly, my fears leaving with my breath.