Because I love him.

And I miss him.

Even when he’s right in front of me.

For hours I lay with him while he sleeps peacefully next to me, until someone bangs on the door, and he sits up quickly, reaching first to his ankle then to the nightstand.

“Banks!” Bang bang bang.

Dylan sucks in a breath, his feet thumping on the floor as he sits on the edge of the bed. His hands go to his head, pressing tight against his ears. With my heart racing, I come up behind him and place my hand gently on his shoulders. He flinches, moving away from me.

“Banks!” Bang bang bang.

“Fuck off!” Dylan yells.

“Ten minutes. Let’s go,” Conway shouts on the other side of the door.

Dylan stands quickly, moving to the bathroom. Over his shoulder, he says, “Get ready.”

“Okay.” I shuffle out of bed and follow him to the bathroom where he’s splashing water on his face. I stand next to him, reaching for my hair brush. When he’s done, he wipes his face on a towel, then just stands in front of the mirror, his hand gripping the sink, his head dipped, causing the muscles in his shoulder to flex against his shirt.

“Sorry,” he says, his gaze shifting to me. His body seems to relax as he turns slightly, his hand going to the small of my back. “Thanks for lying with me just now.”

I smile. I can’t help it. “It’s okay.”

After taking my hair out from its knot, I start to brush it. Through the mirror, I see him smile. Real. For the first time in so long.

He moves behind me, his hands going to my waist as his lips press against my neck. “You smell so good,” he says.

“Your friends said we had ten minutes.”

He groans, his forehead on my shoulder and he wraps his arms around me.

“What’s in ten minutes, babe?”

Sighing, he releases me and moves back to the room to slip on his shoes. “We’re meeting the guys in the unit.”

“Oh yeah?” I ask, tying my hair back up and applying some lip gloss.

“Yep. We’re all saying goodbye to Dave.”

I step out of the bathroom and go through my bag for something to change into. “Is he going home? His contract’s not up yet, is it?”

For a while, he doesn’t speak. When I look over at him, he’s looking right at me, as if he’d been waiting for me to make eye contact.

“Dylan?”

“Ry. Davey killed himself.”

I freeze mid-movement, my breath caught in my chest.

Dylan grabs his phone and wallet from the nightstand, kissing my forehead as he walks past. “I’ll meet you by the pool.”

He exits the room, leaving me standing there, my feet glued to the floor and my heart right next to it.

My vision clears—not of sight—but of mind. And everything makes sense. Everything.

How did I not see it?

Me? Of all people.

How could I not see grief standing right in front of me?

The anger and the hurt and the continuous emotional back and forth.

I’ve experienced it all… the constant spiral of heartbreak and despair and guilt and bargaining and hurt—the fucking hurt that leads you to the unexplainable. The never-ending thoughts tormenting your mind, bringing you to your knees and kicking you while you’re down.

I should’ve known.

* * *

I sit on Dylan’s lap as he sits with the guys from his unit and a couple of their girls drinking beers around the hotel pool. They tell stories about Dave, relive memories he’d created and celebrate the life of the fallen.

The others talk.

Dylan doesn’t.

He simply sips on his beer, his jaw tense as he listens to their stories. His knee begins to bounce, his breaths becoming harsher with each minute that passes.

Then he taps my leg, hinting for me to move. And even though I can already feel the anger emitting from him, feel the rage from his shaking body beneath me, I get up quickly and stand by his chair. “This is fucking bullshit,” he mumbles, throwing his beer behind him and walking away.

“What was that?” Leroy asks.

Dylan’s fists ball at his sides, the anger raging in his eyes again. I count the number of empty bottles by his chair. He’s only had three. “You heard me, Leroy. Don’t fucking talk about him like you knew him. You didn’t fucking know him.” He eyes everyone before adding, “None of you did. You didn’t give him the time of day when he was breathing, don’t act like you give a shit now when he’s dead.”

“Banks, he was in our unit! We spent every fucking day with the kid,” Leroy says, his eyes narrowed in disgust. “You think we’d all fucking be here if we didn’t give a shit?!”

Two steps.

That’s all it takes for Dylan to get to Leroy, fisting his collar and pushing him up against the chain-link fence behind him. “How old was he?” Dylan snaps, his forehead pressed against Leroy’s.

Leroy grabs Dylan’s wrists, trying to push him away. Dylan doesn’t budge. “What?”

“How fucking old was he? What were his brothers’ names?” Dylan yells, spit flying from his mouth. “Answer me!”

“Fuck you!” Leroy shouts.

The other guys are on their feet now. But it’s like they’re waiting for a reason to break it up, as if what’s happening isn’t reason enough. My heart’s pounding in my ears now, tears streaking down my cheek caused by fear. Sob after sob, after fucking sob escaping me. No one sees me. No one hears me.

“Dylan!” I shout, moving toward them.

“You didn’t fucking know him!” Dylan yells.

Leroy’s eyes narrow more, his anger matching Dylan’s as he tries again, in vain, to get out of Dylan’s grasp. “And you’re such a fucking hero, Banks, you couldn’t—”

I’ve never heard what a punch to someone’s jaw sounds like. I never want to again. But I do. Again and again, all while the guys shout, trying to get between them. I scream. Conway yells. We all try to calm him down but the rage inside Dylan is too strong, too loud. He doesn’t hear. Or maybe he chooses not to.

I step forward, holding my breath to stop the cries. My vision blurred, I grab his arm right before he goes for the fourth punch. His strength is unmatched when he pushes me back, his palm finding my chest as his eyes stay on Leroy. “Fuck off!” he shouts, and I stumble on my feet, my hands in front of me, reaching for something. Anything. Conway shouts my name. Dylan turns, his mouth open, his eyes on mine. Right before I fall.

My back hits the water, my lungs instantly filling with it. So do my ears. My nose.

I shut my eyes and close my mouth, then I hold my breath, listening to the water whirl around me. It feels like an eternity before my feet find the tiled floor, and for a moment, I want to stay down here. Because being underwater—the source of my nightmares—seems safer than being up there… where my reality is my nightmare. Then I remember Dylan, I remember his eyes. The rage first, then the shock. I find the courage to push off my feet and I gasp for air the moment I feel it hit my face, my head spinning. I blink back the water as I search for Dylan. He’s standing by the edge, his arms held back by three men. “Riley,” Conway says, and I tear my gaze away from Dylan to see Conway squatting by the edge of the pool, his hand out for me. I swim toward him, gripping his hand when I reach him. He helps me out of the pool, his hands instantly on me. One on my shoulder, the other on my cheek as he forces me to look at him. “You okay?” he asks, his dark eyes penetrating mine.