“I know,” he repeated. “Of course you did.” His head lowered to the ground. “No matter what, no matter how hard we try…why do I feel like I’m going to lose you?”

I felt it, too. But I couldn’t voice it. “Okay, well, Henry is going to pick me up soon. I’ll call you later? Otherwise I’ll see you at school this week.” I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him on his lips, trying to give him ease to his doubt. He lightly tugged on my bottom lip and I sighed against his mouth. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

As I watched him walk toward the door, my heart tightened. After our final exams in a few weeks, there was a whole new semester where Daniel and I would have to pretend to not be in love. Only this time, I wouldn’t be in his class. The idea of going through that again was painful. I wanted to be selfish. I wanted him to quit his job. I wanted him to run away with me, but I knew he couldn’t. He loved teaching. He loved his band. His home was here in Edgewood.

And what about college? I’d gotten into the University of Southern California. My dream school. That would be four years away from Daniel—four more years of separation.

We had gone one semester with being surrounded by each other and it had almost been the end of me. A raw truth was settling into my head as I studied him outside the building. I’d fallen in love with the right guy at the wrong time.

“Hey, Ashlyn.”

Jumping out of my skin, I turned around at the sound of my name. “Jake, you scared me. What are you doing here?”

“Just got back from my grandparents’…” He gave me a grimace look. “Were you just kissing Mr. Daniels?”

My mouth dried up and I coughed. “What?”

“You were just kissing Mr. Daniels.” He said it as a fact, but it hit my ears as a question.

I studied him intensely as he rotated his body toward the exit, pointing to Daniel, who was standing outside waiting for a taxi. I could feel the vomit climbing up my throat.

Laughing nervously, I yanked up my suitcase handle and started to roll it away from him. My legs felt like Jell-O. My mind felt like mush. “I gotta meet Henry…” I muttered.

We messed up.

We’d gotten too comfortable. We’d touched too much. We’d slipped.

Footsteps were following me, and I frowned at the sound of them. “Ashlyn! Listen, you’re a smart girl. But hooking up with your teach—” Jake’s mouth was yapping and yapping.

My hand flew to his lips, shutting him up. “Shut up, Jake! Shut up!” I was going to cry. No, correction—I was crying.

“Oh my gosh, it’s true,” he muttered, stepping back. “He’s the guy?! He’s the one?! Oh my gosh, Ashlyn!”

He was pacing back and forth. I looked toward the exit and saw Henry’s truck parked in the front of the station. My fingers ran across my eyes, and I tried my best to pull my panicked self together.

My entire body shook, my hands trembling.

“Don’t say anything…” I whispered.

Jake gave me a harsh look of disbelief.

I walked away, not looking back once. But I could feel his eyes still staring at me. Judging me. Losing all respect for who he thought he could someday love.

Chapter 39

I’m not afraid of losing you.

I’m more afraid of losing me.

Don’t make me choose. Because I’ll choose you.

~ Romeo’s Quest

First-hour chemistry was something I feared on the first day back to school. I didn’t want to come face to face with Jake. I didn’t want him to look at me with disappointment glowing in his eyes.

When I stepped into the classroom, I heard everyone whispering. I wasn’t sure if it was because Ryan was dead or because I looked like death, but they whispered along. Jake was sitting at our lab table, and when he saw me, I gave him a small smile.

His lips curved up a bit.

Only a small, tiny hair, but it was enough for me right now.

“Hey,” I said, taking my seat.

“Hey, Ashlyn,” he chuckled, stressing my name. “I panicked…when I saw”—he cleared his throat and moved in closer to me—“what I saw. I understand completely though.”

My heart pounded aggressively. “You do?”

“Of course, Ash. You lost your sister. Then you lost Ryan. You were an easy target for the ass**le.”

“He’s not an ass**le!” I cried, seeing that Jake definitely didn’t understand.

He took my hand in his and held on to it. I wanted to rip it from his grip, but I didn’t. Jake didn’t know the history of Daniel and me. I couldn’t expect him to understand.

“I’ll make him regret using you though,” he whispered with order in his tone. “He’ll regret hurting you.”

“Jake! No, please. You don’t understand.”

He didn’t reply. His mind was already made up.

And I saw it happening. My life was once again falling apart.

It never even had a chance to fall back together.

I walked down the hallways after chemistry feeling as if my heart were resting underneath my shoe. I wished I’d had Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak, which would make me disappear right then and there. Hailey hadn’t made it back to school yet, and I understood completely.

The looks of pure sadness that were delivered my way were intense and forced my eyes to water every now and then. When I reached my locker, I looked down and saw Daniel standing in his doorway, staring directly at me. His cool eyes held a wicked amount of guilt and hurt, and I tried my best to crack a smile. He must have heard the whispering crowds, too. He stepped forward toward me and I shook my head back and forth.

The only person who could comfort me wasn’t allowed to. The only person I wanted to run his fingers through my hair and hold me against his chest had to stay at a distance.

“I don’t care,” he mouthed, and my heart was breaking into a million useless pieces.

I shrugged my shoulders and the tears started to pour from my eyes. “I do,” I mouthed back to him before I lowered my head. I cried into my locker and gasped for air as the overwhelming memories of death proceeded to surface in my soul.

Why were Gabby and Ryan dead? And why in the hell did I deserve to be alive?

I choked on my tears when a reality set in.

I ruined lives. I was certain I did. I’d ruined Gabby’s life. I’d ruined Ryan’s. I’d ruined Henry’s and Mom’s. And I was on the pathway of ruining Daniel’s, too.