I don’t understand what is happening. How did our conversation get so lost? She walks to the elevator and I am frozen. I don’t know what to say or do. She is new territory for me. She holds all the cards but doesn’t know how to be the dom.

The elevator button glows and I panic, I need to stop her before she pushes it. I jog over to her, "Wait." I brush my hand along her face, touching her just once more. I know the thing I should say and the thing I want to say, and I can't make them match in my head, "You're so much stronger than I am." Is she going to hate that weakness I expose to her?

"I had to be."

I lose control and grab her like she is the last thing I will ever touch again. I press my lips on hers, devouring her. She devours me back. She is forceful and crazed as she nearly climbs my body.

I pin her to the elevator door with every intention of pushing the button, throwing her in and letting it close. The only way to actually stop kissing her is to bite my own lip so I do it before I mutter, "You're right. I'm not like you. I can't be grateful like you are. I can't get past the fact I never saved her." I don’t know where the words are coming from. I know they're truth but I don’t know why I'm saying them. I push the button on the wall and pray for strength.

"You saved me."

The magic words turn on the beast in me and I know once it's there, it has to have its way. I need to warn her but my hands have already lifted her up, pinning her harder against the wall.

I kiss her, sucking her lips and caressing her tongue with mine. We're sliding against each other, and with every movement, I become less likely to stop.

Before the words I need to say can leave my lips, her legs are around me and my hands are massaging her bared ass cheeks. Shit.

My teeth run down her lips and I grind myself into the cotton of her underwear.

My cock is aching it's so hard, but I push it against her pussy rhythmically. She moans into my mouth and I find the strength to pull back. It's that or rip her panties from her body.

I try desperately to get my breath, "I'm bad for you, Sarah. I won't ever be the gentleman you need."

"Maybe I don’t want gentle."

Shit.

Fuck.

Shit.

I panic and pull the paper with the number Jane gave me out of my pocket, "And that is my fault."

The elevator opens—thank you, Jesus.

I furrow my brow, pick her up and kiss her like it will be the last time. I don’t know the message I am trying to send after giving her Sebastian's number, but I'm dying to maintain any control at all. Her lips are juicy and sweet. She moans in my mouth and I place her inside of the elevator.

I step back, smirking "Forgive me." The door closes, again—thank you, Jesus.

I stand there for a minute, almost concerned for the state of my penis, it might never go down. I’ve never felt that pure lust. There was no white noise, it was absolute desire. There has never been a moment like that in my entire life. I didn’t need her. I wanted her.

I turn and walk to the window, pressing my hands onto the cold glass and plot Sebastian's murder. I hear the elevator again. I almost hope and then I don’t. I am fresh out of self-control.

When the elevator door dings, she walks out into the apartment.

"Shit," I mutter and then speak louder, "Leave."

She throws the piece of paper at me and shouts, "I have his cell number. I don’t need this. You know I do. You answered him when he sent me messages."

It bounces off the window next to me. I smile and wait for it. She shoves me as I suspected she might. I'm barely hanging onto the switch that’s been hit. I turn and seethe in her face, "He's the right guy for you, Sarah. You don’t want to start this fight." I'm going to fuck her if she doesn’t leave. I hate that I'm trying to scare her but I don’t have anything else.

She seethes right back, "You want me to be pissed at myself, like you are? You want me to take years to talk about my feelings and slowly crawl out of that fucking hole?" She points her finger at me, "When you pulled that trigger at eleven, you were twice the man you are now."

Cold bitch. She's been around Jane too much.

Rage fills me instantly, "Get out." I am growling my words.

She cocks an eyebrow and grins, provoking my anger, working me like a puppet, "You mad?"

I lick my lips, hanging on by a thread, "Yup." It's the same shitty answer she always gives me.

She laughs in my face, "Good," taking steps back, taunting me more. I can almost hear the snap inside of my mind.

My footsteps make the floor shake. I grab her roughly and lift her up into my arms. When our lips meet, it's angry and heated. She drags her fingers through my hair, pulling it.

Shit.

I bite her lip and slam her into the wall, pressing the elevator button. She cries out, moaning into my mouth and pulling my hair more.

She knows exactly how I need it, but with her I like it. Her legs squeeze harder. In the writhing and moaning, her dress had ridden right up her body. I can feel the head of my cock resting against the hot, silky flesh of her abdomen.

I am kneading her ass like I might make bread out of it when the elevator dings. I step in and stay with her, squishing her against the wall.

I press the button and grind against her again. She groans. It's animalistic.

She meets my grinding with a squeeze, I swear she is cracking ribs. I moan into her mouth, making her smile.

Something is happening. The switch is turned and there is no going back. I don’t even know what button I pushed on the wall. I don’t care about anything but burying my cock inside of her. My fingers drag against the inside of her thighs, tearing the underwear right off of her. My knuckle grazes the wetness of her pussy. I don’t know what has happened but the elevator is rocking with our movements. The door dings but my face is buried in her sweet neck. Her skin drives me wild. She is soft, and yet firm, from the running. Her hands rake my back through my dress shirt as I get my pants undone.

I don’t know if the door closes.

I don’t know if I am making the right decision.

I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself for this but her pussy is dripping on my fingers when I get them near the entrance. She hasn’t just turned the switch, she has me wound right up. I am cranked as hard and high as I can go. I growl as I get a finger inside of her.

I can only imagine how it'll be on my cock. She is soaked and I forget she's never done this before. I'm so dialed up that I can't stop myself. The things I imagine as I roughly shove my cock inside of her don’t help. There is no passion or gentleness. She cries out into my ear but I thrust hard. I don’t know where I am or who I am. I know what my purpose is in life, it's to fuck this girl until I can't see straight, and even then, I think I'll be begging for more.

Something happens as I am finding my rhythm. She starts to lose it, she claws at me, forcing the position slightly and cums all over my cock. She grips it like she is milking it. I lose my hold, not expecting her to cum like that. Words leave my lips somehow, "God damned, Sarah."

She grips me hard, like a fist. Her body is clenched down on mine. She bites me hard. I orgasm instantly, nearly buckling my legs and dropping us both to the floor.

Her teeth are clenched on me still when I cry out too, just like she did. I have never done that before. I back up, looking down at her shredded underwear and wonder if she's going to hate me. I zip up my pants but I can't look at her.

She was a virgin.

The door dings, and in my peripheral, I see an old lady standing there looking at us. She's holding a small, shivering dog. I want to apologize but I am not sorry. The door closes and Sarah presses ten.

She puts her coat on and I don’t know what to say.

The elevator stops at my place but we don’t move. The doors close and I bend down and pick up her underwear. I pretend I don’t want to traumatize the old lady, but really, I want to fall asleep holding them.

The door dings. The lady is still standing there but when Sarah gets off the elevator, the lady gives her a disturbed look.

I watch the old lady for a second before I realize Sarah is leaving. I chase after her, glancing at the front desk guy. He nods at me. I frown and drag her outside. I don’t want to make her get back into the elevator.

It's cold and she seems like she doesn’t care about what we just did.

I don’t know what to say.

I want to say sorry but I'm not. I'm sorry I fucked her like that for her first time, but it was such an amazing experience to enjoy sex, that I don’t feel sorry. I feel elated and free. I want to kiss her and drag her back upstairs but I'm scared, a little.

She does the most unexpected thing. She stands on her tiptoes and presses her lips against mine and whispers, "It was nice seeing you, Eli." She turns and leaves me there in the snow.

I turn and walk slowly back into my building. I'm coated completely in the wet snow. I don’t know how long I stood out there. I don’t know anything. Who was that? Did Jane do that to her? Did Jane tell her to do that to me? Am I the one who is being played to get better? Is this some sick, twisted return to Misery Island for me?

For several seconds in the foyer, I wonder how much of this is real and how much is a dream from a bed where I am shackled, and about to be electrocuted again.

But when I step into the elevator, the smell of our sex makes a slow grin cross my lips.

That was real.

She was real.

I press ten and nod my head.

Chapter Seventeen

Today is the worst day of my life.

I send another text, 'Hi.'

She doesn’t respond.

I pace the apartment and wait for her answer. Instead, Jane calls.

"Hello?"

She sighs, "So you're texting her nonstop for what? You nervous about her and the big bad world?"

I pinch my eyes together; how does Jane know that? "I am nervous about her being hurt, yes. She is fragile." That is a bold-faced lie. She is something but it's not fragile.