“Don’t touch me,” she spat. “I have a knife.”

“I won’t hurt you,” Ben said again. But what did he want? “Do you have anywhere to go?”

“Fuck you.” She slid a hand into her pocket.

He felt Dante tense behind him.

“Pull it out if that makes you feel more comfortable.” Ben still had his hands up, and the girl did as he said. She pulled out a knife and held it.

“What the fuck do you want? I’m not screwing around, you come near me and I’ll cut it off.”

He didn’t have to guess what she meant by it, and he suddenly got sick to his stomach. His gut cramped and his eyes blurred. Someone had hurt her. He wasn’t surprised. Not out here but anger ripped through him anyway. He wanted whoever hurt her to pay.

“Stay the fuck away from me.” She shoved to her feet. Ben’s chest got tight. Why did this girl remind him of his sister? Because Bonnie had always looked scared and alone too. Because he could see his sister out here, broken, if she were still alive.

“Don’t go.”

“Find somewhere else to get your kicks, asshole.”

“Here. I just want to help. What do you need?” At this moment, Ben would do anything to get her to stay. To help. He shoved his hands into his pocket and pulled his wallet out. He tossed money at her and she stopped, her eyes going wide. “Find a safe place to stay.”

What if someone had helped Bonnie?

She scrambled to the ground, picking up the bills that had fallen. Ben gave her everything, pulled out a card with his number on it and gave her that too. It was a crazy thing to do. He’d passed homeless people daily yet there was something about this girl and her red jacket.

“I love you, Benny.”

The girl shoved all the money into her pockets, picked up the card, looked at him and then ran. Ben watched until the red of her jacket disappeared.

“I’m getting the fuck out of here.”

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

Ben was trapped in a fog. That’s all he saw: muted colors, the outline of everything around him but it was all blurry, hard to make out.

Dante’s hand held onto his biceps, keeping Ben steady. He didn’t care. He was gone, lost, his brain back with the girl in the park and his sister who had long decomposed under the ground.

“Take a deep breath,” Dante told him.

“Fuck you.”

“We’re back to that again?”

Ben didn’t reply to that. There was a part of him that wanted to pull his arm away but he didn’t.

Dante steered him toward the subway. Ben felt like his insides were cracking apart, breaking and shattering and he fucking hated it. He had no reason to lose it like this yet he couldn’t get control of himself.

Suddenly they were on the subway. It was moving yet Ben didn’t even remember when they’d actually gotten on it. It was crowded, thick with people and the smell of bodies and alcohol and piss. The walls were caving in. The space around them shrinking as people got closer and closer.

“Take a deep breath, Ben. What do you smell?” Dante asked.

Ben found a way to act. He breathed deep, smelled the faint scent of coffee and man through everything else around them. Dante. It helped a little but not enough.

“Watch where you’re going, ese,” A Hispanic man said to another. The voice rang through his head. You’re losing your fucking mind. Javier’s dead. You saw his brains splatter all over the walls.

It was then that someone bumped into Ben. A hand grabbed onto him and he shoved away, swung his arm, willing to take out anyone close to him before he let someone grab hold of him again.

A hand caught his wrist. He could tell by the strength and size that it was Dante.

“What the fuck?” someone said.

“What’s wrong with you?” someone else.

“Get out of the way,” this from Dante as he led Ben away. The fog was thicker, heavier. The weight and tightness in his chest magnified. What the fuck was wrong with him? He really was broken.

He was losing his God damned mind.

They must be at their stop because Dante lead Ben out of the subway. He followed blindly, his mind going a million miles an hour.

The walk was quick to Dante’s apartment. Or maybe Ben had lost all concept of time but suddenly they were inside and Dante was closing the door and Ben felt he was being sucked farther and father from reality. Like he could see it in the distance as he was pulled away.

In that moment all he wanted was to be grounded, tethered to something he knew was real. There was only one way he knew how to do that.