“And your new therapist, what’s he like?”

Clay shrugged. “He’s nice. I like him. He and Dr. Todd are working closely together right now, so that’s cool. He’s different, but I think we’ll get on fine.” I was relieved to hear that. Clay smirked at me and I raised my eyebrows at him in question.

“Actually, he’s suggested I bring you in for one of my sessions,” he said, surprising me.

“Me? Why would he want to see me?” I squeaked. I knew this took a lot for Clay to say, but I was sort of weirded out by the thought of going to therapy. Weren’t we too young for couple’s counseling?

Clay laughed. “That’s what I said. But he told me it would be good for us to talk about our relationship, to make sure we don’t fall back into old patterns. Both Shaemus and Dr. Todd are very aware of how important you are to me and they just want to make sure what we have is healthy. For both of us. It’s easy to put your feelings in the backseat. I know you got sucked under by what I was going through. But we have to go into this as equals. It can’t just be about me”

What could I say to that? He had always been amazingly insightful and self-aware. But his inability to change or control his behaviors caused immeasurable damage. Yet, here he was, one institution stay later, saying things that I never thought I’d hear. I wasn’t delusional enough to think he was all fixed now. I knew this was an ongoing process. But what he was laying at my feet was the opportunity to share with him in his healing. Something he had denied me when he went away.

Something I knew I would jump at the chance to do.

“Of course I’ll go with you. I’ll do whatever I can to make sure you’re happy and healthy. I want us to work. I want this to last. You just let me know when and I’m there,” I promised.

Clay cupped my face between his hands and the look in his eyes made me feel all gooey. “You are the most selfless and amazing person I’ve ever met Maggie May Young. I don’t know what I did to deserve you. I will try every single day to make sure I’m worthy of the faith you put in me.”

I leaned forward and touched my lips, ever so gently against his. He hummed in approval and moved one hand to cup the back of my neck while the other snaked around my middle, pulling me closer. I was pressed up against him, our mouths moving against one another and I couldn’t ignore the tingling heat that was creeping its way through my body.

When his tongue touched the seam of my lips, I opened them without hesitation. Our tongues tangled together as we devoured one another. I gripped at his shirt, the blanket falling away from my shoulders and his hands moved down my body.

His fingers stopped just shy of the hem of my dress, which had hiked up my thighs and was barely covering my bottom half. How easy it would be to jump back into the physical side of our relationship. When everything else had been so crazy, that was one thing that had always made sense. When our bodies came together it had been the most beautiful thing I had ever known.

I could feel how much Clay wanted me. It was pressed intimately against the valley between my legs as I squirmed in his lap. He groaned, rich and raw in the back of his throat, his fingers digging into my flesh, the only barrier being my thin tights.

But just as soon as we were moving to where I wanted to go, Clay pulled away. His eyes were tightly closed and his breathing ragged. My heart hammered in my chest and I had to fight myself for control. I wanted him. More than anything.

“Maggie,” my name came out as a moan and it was such a turn on. I pressed against him again; ready to pick up where we had so abruptly left off.

Clay put his hands on my shoulders and I thought he was going to pull me closer but instead he held me away from his body. “We can’t. Not yet.” He opened eyes that were heavy with desire and I knew that he only half meant his words.

I blinked in confusion. “What? Why?” I hated how whiney I sounded. My body was buzzing and I wanted so desperately to be with him. In every way that mattered.

“I want you. I want this. So much. But we can’t. Not while things are still so unstable. Please, just give me some time. I want everything to be perfect for you. I want to be the guy you deserve. Just understand, that when we’re together again, it will be amazing and wonderful and my head will be in a place where I know I can give you everything you ever wanted.” I slithered off his lap trying not to act like a petulant child.

“I get it. It’s fine.” What a lie. I was feeling absurdly rejected. I had always been the aggressor in the physical side of our relationship. I suppose, I was hoping this once, I wouldn’t have to be. It was stupid and immature but when you’re in the heat of the moment, only to be denied what your body wants so badly, it’s hard to see things logically.

“Maggie. Please don’t look like that. I love you. There is nothing in this world I want more than to make love to you. But let’s just take this slow. It will be better in the long run. For both of us.” His pleading made it difficult to stay miffed.

I laid my head down on his shoulder, turning my face into his shirt and kissed the spot just above his heart. “Okay,” I said quietly. Clay held me tightly to his side and we were quiet. And for the time being, it was enough.

Chapter Nineteen

-Clay-

Trying to fit years of work into a few short months was daunting, if not impossible. Here I was, a month out of treatment and I was attempting to run before I had even learned to walk. Sure, I was doing better. I was making strides to do things different, to break preexisting patterns. But I was a fool in thinking I was “okay.”