She hated me, I thought. What have I done? Oh, God. She hated me.

***

For the first time in my life, I didn’t get all my homework finished. I set my alarm for five A.M., but instead of hitting the books, I went swimming.

The lights were still off in the pool area when I got there and it was so quiet my bare feet echoed. I dove in.

The cold surged through my veins – a welcome relief. I concentrated on my muscles contracting, my arms slicing through the water. Soon the rhythm of my breathing and stroking and breathing and stroking drowned out my thoughts. Banished my feelings to a dark recess in my mind, where they should be banished.

Forget her. Force her out of your head, get her out of you.

I don’t know how long I swam, lap after lap after mind-numbing lap. My lungs and muscles collapsed simultaneously, and I let my final kick propel me to the edge.

Where she was sitting, elbows on knees. She looked me in the eye and said, “I was in the neighbourhood.”

Chapter 11

I wrenched off the shower faucets, but wasn’t about to go gallivanting through the locker room half na**d. Although…

She likes me. I smiled to myself. I wonder what she’d do if –

My phone rang. Before I could think, Cece called, “I’ll get it.”

Towelling my head, I heard her say, “Who? No, sorry. What number did you dial?”

I gave my prickled body a once over and wrapped the towel around me. A little lower than usual. Grabbing my wet swimsuit off the floor, I padded to the benches, asking, “Who was it? My mother?”

“Wrong number.” Cece scanned me up and down, then let out a breath. She stood abruptly and said, “I need coffee. Gotta fly.”

I sank to the bench, feeling embarrassed, exposed. Stupid. I quickly dressed.

***

On the way to my Jeep at lunch to head for McDonald’s, Kirsten said, “Oh, by the was, Holland, Seth. Saturday night’s off. Trevor dumped me.”

I skidded to a stop on the icy parking lot. “Kirsten, oh no. What happened?”

“The funniest thing. His mother doesn’t approve of me. Says I’m too old for her little Trevie. I guess word got back to her that I was a slut.” Her glare sliced through me.

What? I never – “Oh, excuse me,” she added. “A player.”

“Kirsten,” I protested, then said more gently, “I’m really sorry.” I was. She looked miserable. She wasn’t even wearing makeup today, her face was all pale and blotchy.

She gazed off into the distance. “I can never keep anything good.” Her eyes pooled with tears. I reached to hug her, but she climbed into the back of the Jeep, scooting over to the far side and staring straight ahead.

Leah and I exchanged glances. I think Leah already knew. She crawled in beside Kirsten and patted her knee. Felt her pain, I suppose, more than me.

“Saturday night?” Seth said at my side. “What was Saturday night?”

Oops. Guess I forgot to tell him. “Nothing. Doesn’t matter now.” He was going to say something else, but I cut him off by handing him the keys. “You drive.” Normally Seth rode shotgun, but today he’d brought along Coop, so I figured he’d appreciate the opportunity to amp up the testosterone.

McD’s was jammed with little kids squealing and chasing each other around Playland. As the five of us claimed a booth in back, I said to Kirsten, “Do you want me to come over tonight? Talk about it?”

“No. I’m all right. He’s a momma’s boy. So what? He was getting on my nerves, anyway.” She stuck a straw through the lid of her diet Coke. “So is your lezzie friend going to reapply for a Gay Straight Alliance?” she asked.

“No,” I answered, a slow burn spreading through my gut. “Don’t call her that, okay? Her name is Cece.” I lifted my Big Mac to my mouth. “She doesn’t want a GSA. Just a g*y club.” I took a bite.

“See?” Kirsten bent over to sip her soda. “Agenda.”

I chewed and swallowed fast. “There is no g*y agenda.” I tried to control my voice, my temper.

“Could I have some ketchup?” Leah interrupted.

Around in front of me, Seth passed her a handful of packets.

Kirsten said, “Did you see the shirt she was wearing yesterday? That OUT! AND PROUD!?” She curled a lip.

“What’s wrong with it?” I said.

Kirsten shook her head. “She’s just so obvious. Look at me, I’m gay. I’m special,” she mocked.

My jaw clenched. I set down my burger, deliberately.

Leah piped up, “I don’t think that’s what she’s doing. She’s just being who she is.”

I sent Leah a silent thank you.

Leah added, “I imagine it’s pretty lonely being the only out person in school. I think she’s incredibly brave. I don’t know how they find each other if they’re not out.”

Coop said, “They list their phone numbers in the john. ‘For a good time, call Bruce. 1-800-222 –’”

Kirsten snorted. Coop smirked. He said, “You know what g*y means, don’t you? Got AIDS Yet?”

Seth pre-empted my explosion. “Shut up, Coop. That isn’t funny. You going to eat that?” He indicated my Big Mac.

I shoved it over to him.

Kirsten dipped a Chicken McNugget into a cup of barbecue sauce and popped it into her mouth. “She’s just trolling for meat,” she said with her mouth full. Turning to Coop, she added, “And not the Oscar Mayer weiner variety.”

He choked on a fry.

That did it. I elbowed Seth. “Let me out.”

“What? We’re not done.”

“I am.”

He just sat there.

“Move!”

Seth scooted off the end of the bench. I pushed pas his and stormed out the exit.

I hated how they talked about them. About her. Kirsten, Coop, all of them. Especially Kirsten. I understood that she hurt, she was venting, directing her pain elsewhere. Still, she should just shut up.

We drove back in silence. At least, I did. Coop apologized, like that was going to make it all better. Seth tried to tickle me once and I slugged him. I was still fuming when I got to art. I kicked a chair and sent it crashing into the easel up front.

My brain engaged. Chill, Holland. God.

On impulse I took the chair next to the window and waited for Cece to arrive. Needed to feel her presence, her strength. Needed to protect her from all the ugliness in the world. As I dug in my pack for my sketchbook, a body descended on me. I glanced up.

“That’s my seat,” Brandi said.

“Do you mind if we switch? I’m having a hard time seeing the slides from the back.” I nudged my glasses up the bridge of my nose.

She hesitated a moment, then wandered away. A few seconds later Cece sauntered in. She spotted me and held my eyes as she moved across the room. Floated. The chair next to me scraped back and a flash of orange hair caucht my eyes. “Yo,” Winslow said in my ear.

“Winslow, I’m saving this –”

“Sorry I’m late.” Mackel charged into the room. “Let’s get started. We have a lot to cover today. You’ll need your larger tablet for this exercise. And your marking pens.”

Cece vanished. I twisted around to see she’d taken the empty seat in back next to Brandi. Shit.

***

Faith was getting reamed out in her room when I got home from school. What was she doing here? I wondered. She’s stayed over last weekend. What happened to every other weekend? At the bottom of the stairs, I heard Mom snarl, “It’s sacrilegious and I won’t have it in my house. Grow up, Faith.”

“You grow up!” Faith screamed at Mom. “Stay out of my stuff. Just get the hell out of my life. You’re not my mother and you never will be.”

I purposefully tripped over the laundry basket.

“Wait until your father hears about this,” Mum said in a lowered voice.

Faith countered, “He won’t care and you know it.”

Mom charged across the basement, eyes flaming. “Hello, honey,” she intoned between clenched teeth. “And how was your day?”

“About like yours.”

She stomped up the stairs. As I rounded the partition, Faith said, “Bitch.”

“Same to you,” I replied.

“Not you. Her.” She jutted her chin toward the ceiling. Rolling over on her bed, she scrunched in a fetal position and drew a pillow into her face. That’s when I was what Mom had gone ballistic over. Standing in the middle of Faith’s dresser was a statue of the Virgin Mary clutching this headless baby Jesus. Sick.

Thank God I had a swim meet and wouldn’t have to suffer through dinner with the AntiChrist and the Cleavers. As I was jamming a clean Speedo into my duffel, my phone rang. “What time do you think you’ll be here?” Seth asked.

“Be where?”

He didn’t speak for a long moment. “The apartment? This is Friday night.”

It’d totally slipped my mind. “Seth, I have a swim meet.”

“I know,” he said. “When will you be back?”

I exhaled an irritated breath. “Just a sec.” I retrieved my schedule that was push-pinned to the partition. “It’s at Eagle Ridge, so probably ten, ten-thirty.”

“Okay. What did you tell your mom about tonight?”

My mom? Crap. “Nothing yet.”

“Holland,” Seth’s voice rose, “she’ll have the National Guard out looking for you when you don’t come home.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I snapped. “I’ll take care of it.”

Seth’s voice softened. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry about today, too. Coop’s an idiot sometimes. I know you’re upset about everything that’s happened this week. So am I. We can discuss it tonight.”

Discuss it. How “Seth.” How would “discussing” it change anything? The world was full of hate.

“I love you,” he said. And waited.

I wondered how long he’d wait. Forever, probably. The static in my head intensified. Finally, I couldn’t bear the noise. “I love you, too.”

Upstairs, I found Mom sitting at the credenza in the dining room, paying bills, her mini radio tuned to a talk show. With my hand on the doorknob, I called to her, “I’m going to my meet. See you tomorrow.”

She craned her neck around the wall to peer at me. “Tomorrow?”

I opened the door. “I’m staying at Leah’s tonight, remember? I’m sure I told you.”

“I’m sure you didn’t.”

Damn. “It’s all right, isn’t it?”

“Leah’s huh?” Mom licked an envelope and sealed it shut. “I don’t expect you’ll be there when I call later, will you?”

I blanched. “No.”

“You are taking your pills, aren’t you?”

I turned my burning face away.

“Holland?”

What business was it –

“Look, I’m not coming down on you. I understand about being young, being in love. I was there once, remember? I just want you to be careful. Don’t do anything stupid that might jeopardize your future.”

Like having a child you never wanted? I translated to myself. “I’m careful,” I muttered.

Mom said, “Good luck at your meet.”

I mumbled thank and slithered out of there.

***

All the way to Eagle Ridge I listened to the Dixie Chicks. Over and over. I’d memorized the lyrics already. Memorized her, too. Her face, her mannerisms, her smile. God, I loved her smile. I closed my eyes and let the music lift me up, sweep me away. Take me to another place, another time.

As we filed into the pool area to start the meet, my eyes combed the audience. Hoping, hoping… There. A baseball cap. Was that her against the bricks, staring at me? She was too far away to identify positively without my contacts, which I’d forgotten in my haste to get out of the house.

Coach Chiang gathered us together for a pep talk. Go Starfish.

I looked up again, but she was gone. If that was her, she never returned.

***

Seth met me at the apartment door, a quart of Bud in his hand and a dishtowel over his arm. “Entréz, mademoiselle.” He gestured me inside. In the living room, he’d built a fire in the fireplace, piled all the dirty clothes and trash into a heap, and cleared off the coffee table. Two placemats were set out with silverware and napkins. “Wow,” was all I could say. Seth usually scored a low one-digit on the romance scale. “Is this for me?”

“No, it’s for Kirsten. She’s coming by later.”

I smacked his chest.

“May I take your coat, Mademoiselle?” He extended an arm.

I loaded him down with my duffel and coat and backpack, which he dumped on the heap. “Dinner’s in the oven,” he informed me, handing me the bottle of beer. “Do the honors?”

“Of unscrewing the cap?”

He bowed again. “S’il vous plait.”

Oh, brother.

“I shall return,” he said, pivoting and scuttling off toward the kitchen like a sand crab.

What a goon. I swigged on the Bud as I trundled into the living room. Seth’s brother and his roommates were slobs. I removed a crumpled Twinkies wrapper from the touch and sat. Guzzled the beer. A moment later Seth reappeared with two plates of Chinese food. It smelled fantastic. I was famished. He pulled out two wine glasses from his back pockets and set them on the coffee table. Oops. Guess he had bigger plans for the beer.