If I Die Page 80

“You knew he was using again?”

He sat up when I twisted to sit cross-legged facing him, with my spine against the arm of the couch. “Um…yeah. I caught him with a full balloon last night. Don’t worry, though. I popped it.”

Which was why Sabine hadn’t been able to find it. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I knew you’d blame yourself.” He shrugged, like keeping something that important from me was okay.

“Yeah. Because it’s my fault!”

“No.” Tod took my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. “Kaylee, no one feels worse about what Nash is going through than I do. I don’t regret a single second I’ve spent with you, but I regret how we got here, and I hate that us being together makes my brother miserable. But you aren’t responsible for how he reacts to pain and anger, and this isn’t the last time he’ll have to face either of those. Nash makes his own decisions, and you can’t blame yourself for how he’s chosen to cope with this.”

“But—”

He cut off my protest with a kiss that lingered, and deepened, and ended with a satisfied sound from deep in his throat as he leaned his forehead against mine.

“Cute.” I couldn’t resist a small smile, but it faded almost immediately. “Seriously, though, he saw us together, and now he’s high and miserable. We’re the reason he started using again.”

“No.” Tod shook his head, and that stray curl fell over his brow. “We’re the reason he’s upset enough to want to get high. But Kaylee, it’s not like a balloon full of Demon’s Breath just appeared in his hands, and you certainly didn’t give it to him. He made a conscious decision and an active effort to go find one.”

“How? Where would he get Demon’s Breath, if he can’t cross over? How would Avari even get it into our world?”

“Where there’s demand, there will always be someone willing to supply. There are a hundred different ways Avari could be off-loading his product. Assuming it’s even him.” Tod rubbed his forehead. “The only supplier I know of specifically is the balloon animal guy who hangs out near the zoo. His black balloons aren’t for kids. But I know how to take care of him.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Is that something you really want me to answer?”

Was it? “No. But if he’s really Nash’s new source, just…make it stick. Whatever you do.” I felt a little sick to my stomach, knowing I’d just given my blessing for Tod to do something I didn’t even want to think about. To another human being. But anyone peddling frost was a murderer in my eyes, and Tod wouldn’t kill him—he would never reap off the record. Though the balloon animal guy might soon wish he were dead.

“It’ll stick. And I want you to stop worrying about Nash.”

“But—” I started, and Tod cut me off with another kiss. “Is this the routine now?” I asked, as his hand tightened around mine and my heart lodged in my throat. “I argue, and you cut me off with a kiss?”

“Not all arguments. In general, I like it when you argue. You get all fiery and passionate. But stupid arguments?” He somehow managed to raise both brows and frown sternly at the same time. “Yeah. I’m gonna shut you up. Like this.” He kissed me again, and that one lasted.

“Mmm… Best punitive system ever.”

“That’s kinda what I thought.”

“For real, though, you have to tell me stuff like that. No secrets.”

Tod frowned down at me. “I should tell you about bad things that you can’t fix, even when I know you’re just going to blame yourself for them and have a miserable last day of life?”

Well, when you put it like that… “Yes.” I nodded firmly.

“Fine. I’ll keep that in mind, should I find another opportunity to ruin the rest of your life.”

“That’s all I’m asking.”

“I don’t want you to worry about Nash, though. When he fell asleep, I took his balloon and popped it in the Netherworld, so he should be fine, at least until he finds another one.” Demon’s Breath was stored in and dispensed from latex party balloons, an idea I’d accidentally given to Avari, who turned out to be a rather enterprising hellion. “And we can worry about that in a couple of days.”

“I won’t be here to worry about that in a couple of days.”

“Exactly. See, even death has a bright side.”

But I couldn’t let it go. “When did you get rid of Nash’s balloon?”

“Last night, after I left here. Sometime after midnight.”

“Sabine said he was trashed when she picked him up this morning, and his hands were freezing during second period. How is that possible?”

“It’s not, unless he restocked, or had more than that one balloon in the first place.” Tod closed his eyes and let his head fall back again. “Shit.”

“And you don’t feel even a little bit responsible for this?” I asked softly, wishing I could absolve him of guilt, even as I demanded that he accept some of the responsibility.

“I didn’t say that. I said you shouldn’t feel responsible.” The reaper sighed and ran one hand through his short curls. “Okay, I gotta go find the rest of his stash. You wanna come with me or meet me after?”

“Actually, I think it can wait. He’s with Sabine.” In some ways I’d never truly be able to trust her. But I trusted her to keep Nash safe—especially after she’d seen him lose control in the parking lot. “And your mom’s probably there by now.”

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