It’s not the size of the package,

it’s the size of the soul.

It’s not the body you have,

it’s the life as a whole.

It’s not the size of the package,

the moves make the man.

It’s not the weight of the words,

it’s that you say what you can.

TINY:

I was once a little boy—

oh no, I was never a little boy!

I have always lived large

and in charge.

And if you can’t carry that

I’m going to drop right out of your life!

TINY AND CHORUS:

It’s not the size of the package,

it’s the size of the thrill.

It’s not the tip of the scale,

it’s the lift of the will.

It’s not the size of the package

that’s the source of your pride.

It’s not the stretch of the belly,

it’s the fire inside.

TINY:

I was once a little boy—

oh no, I was never a little boy!

I have always lived large

and in charge.

And if you can’t carry that

I’m going to drop right out of your life!

A fun dance interlude follows—fat boy dancing ha ha ha—although please be sure Tiny maintains his dignity throughout. As it’s happening, he realizes the exes are watching. And as much as he wants to win them over . . . he’s not winning them over. The last refrain is less assured than before. The chorus, fading into the background, keeps looking at the exes.

TINY AND CHORUS:

It’s not the size of the package,

it’s the size of the heart.

It’s not the body you see—

Tiny stops at the third line, looking at the exes. #3 and #16 are laughing at him. #12 looks embarrassed to have seen what he’s just seen.

TINY

(plaintive now, to the exes, the tempo slowed considerably):

What, you think you know me?

Nothing funnier than the fat boy.

What, you think you got this?

Who am I to even think of love?

That last line should linger through the theater. People should understand what the exes’ laughter means to Tiny. Even if he’s proud, he’s not invulnerable to doubt. If you think one musical number gets rid of all his insecurities, think again. He knows what’s right and what’s wrong. But he doesn’t feel it yet. And while it’s great to know the right words, in order for them to become your truth, you have to feel them, too.

Fade to black.

ACT II, SCENE 4

While Tiny changes costumes very quickly, Phil Wrayson comes onto the stage.

PHIL WRAYSON:

I am not proud of the fact that Tiny’s fourth ex-boyfriend was my fault. And I would like to publicly apologize to Tiny for everything that happened.

TINY (offstage):

Apology accepted!

PHIL WRAYSON:

It was my cousin. Well, not really my cousin. But my mother’s sister’s best friend from college’s son who was in town for three days. So, cousin-ish. Maybe not even first cousin-ish. Second cousin-ish. Like, if I were King of Illinois and I died, this guy would be something like three hundred ninety-fifth in line for the throne.

TINY (offstage):

You’ve made your point! Now get to the good part!

PHIL WRAYSON:

The good part is that for two of the three days he was here, this guy dated Tiny Cooper.

TINY (offstage):

Now get to the bad part!

PHIL WRAYSON:

The bad part is that this guy only dated Tiny Cooper because he was bored out of his skull staying with us, and when he was given the choice of going out on two dates with Tiny Cooper or staying in and playing Scrabble with me and my parents, he chose to go on the dates with Tiny Cooper. Tiny did not know this at the time.

TINY (offstage):

I thought it was love!

PHIL WRAYSON:

He thought it was love. When, in fact, it was like three hundred ninety-fifth in line for love. When it was time for this guy to go, he didn’t even ask for Tiny’s e-mail address or phone number or mailing address. In the intervening year and a half, we’ve all forgotten his name.

TINY (offstage):

It was Octavio!

PHIL WRAYSON (to audience):

It was not Octavio.

TINY (offstage):

It’s Octavio if I want it to be!

PHIL WRAYSON (to Tiny offstage):

Is that even a name?!?

TINY (offstage):

. . . (stubborn silence)

PHIL WRAYSON (to audience):

For the purpose of this play, he shall be known as Octavio. Octavio, please come out here and take a bow. Let’s hear it for Octavio!

Phil Wrayson starts clapping. This hopefully leads the audience to start clapping. It becomes a little awkward. Ex-boyfriend #4 does not show up.

TINY (offstage):

He’s already left!

PHIL WRAYSON:

This seems somehow fitting. Shall we move on to Ex-boyfriend #5?

Ex-boyfriend #5 appears onstage. Like many of the boys Tiny’s attracted to, he’s an actor. (If that last sentence raised a big red flag for you, that means you’ve tried to date an actor.) Now, it could certainly be said that I’ve spent a good portion of my days going through life like it’s my own musical. But I think that’s okay, since it’s my own musical. JIMMY, on the other hand, tended to think he was at the center of his own Shakespearean play. He was pompous and pretentious and I still would have iambed his pentameter for five acts or more if he’d let me.

By dating actors, you think they’ll let you in on the act. Most of the time, though, there’s only five stages of grief to be found.