I started on my dirty laundry but let a bunch of clothes fall to the floor as lyrics flooded my head. I fumbled for a pen and paper and began scribbling them down before I forgot.

You come back

My back is up

You try to open the door

I slam it shut

You look at me like you used to

But it’s not really the same

You’re different, changed

And despite all my strength

I want to know why

I want to open the door

I put the pen down and bit my lip. The words that spilled out worried me, because often my subconscious knew more than my conscious mind. I was like a dog who got kicked over and over again, but my heart was too fickle to remember how bad it hurt, so I came running back every time, tongue out, tail wagging.

Two days went by and to my relief I didn’t see Trev again. Tuesday I was getting ready for my girls’ night over at Karla’s. I worried that he might be there, but reminded myself he lived in a swanky penthouse by the Thames nowadays. It was unlikely he’d be at Casa Cross.

I put on some comfy grey leggings, a purple camisole, and a long, knit cardigan. I also wore my UGGS, well, my imitation UGGS, because those shoes were expensive. Still, even though they were fakes they were still the most comfortable shoes I owned. If somebody makes it so I can get away with wearing slippers outdoors, I’m all for that shit.

I took the tube to Hackney and arrived at Karla’s at seven thirty, a plastic shopping bag on my arm with wine and chocolate, because of course. Alexis and Karla answered the door looking like they’d already had a few.

“Reya, c’mere. Have I ever told you how much I love you?” Alexis crooned as she pulled me into a hug.

I chuckled and drew away. “No, but feel free.”

“Well, I do. I love all of you,” she went on tipsily, with a dramatic hand gesture.

Karla laughed. She wasn’t nearly as merry as Alexis, not yet.

“This is her first night out of the house in two months,” she explained.

“Yes, and I’m making the most of it,” Alexis added. She had a young son who took up the majority of her time, so I didn’t blame her for wanting to let loose. Her partner, King, must’ve been taking care of little Oliver tonight.

They led me inside the living room where Trev’s cousin, Sophie, and Andie, his brother Stu’s partner, sat with glasses of wine in hand. Everybody was well ahead of me.

“Hi, ladies,” I greeted as I handed my bag off to Karla. “More supplies.”

She nodded happily and I took a seat beside Andie on the couch. Somebody had put on a DVD of Vikings—for obvious reasons. I was a big fan of the show because I liked my mythology with a side of hairy, muscled plunderers.

“I’m sorry about the other day,” said Karla, sitting on the armchair by the window. “I haven’t had the chance to apologise yet, but I promise I never planned for Trev to horn in on our lunch. He just showed up and as soon as Lee mentioned we were going to meet you, he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I brushed her off. “It’s fine. I know what he’s like. Don’t worry about it.”

“You haven’t seen him in a long while, right?” said Andie, her kind brown eyes landing on me.

“Nope. Not for almost two years. It was . . . weird,” I admitted. It nearly shattered me.

“I’ll bet,” said Alexis. “Little bastard should’ve known better than to ambush you like that.”

“Hey!” Karla protested. “That’s my kid brother-in-law you’re talking about.”

“Yes, and you know as well as I do how poorly he treated Reya. She was his best friend for years. Then as soon as he gets a bit of fame he dropped her like a hot potato.”

That familiar burn in my chest assaulted me. I knew Alexis was tipsy and simply speaking her mind, but it still hurt to be reminded.

“He didn’t drop her. They both decided to end things,” Karla corrected her.

“Is that true?” Andie asked, her voice soft. Obviously, she was the one with the most tact.

I rubbed my chest as I spoke. “Yes. Well, kind of. I hardly ever got to see him and it just wasn’t working out, so I suggested we call it a day.”

“You suggested it?” Alexis exclaimed. “I didn’t know that.”

“That’s because it’s none of your business,” said Karla.

“So tell me,” she went on, making a sweeping hand gesture.

Karla shot her a hard look but strangely I didn’t mind talking about it. The past two days I’d been a bubbling pot of unresolved feelings and I wanted to get them out. That was often the drawback of living alone. There was no one to vent to.

“You probably know by now that Trev has ADHD,” I started. He’d been resistant to telling his family at first, but like most things, it all eventually came out. “It was undiagnosed for a long time, because well, you know how things were for the family growing up.” I paused and shared a look with Sophie, but she didn’t seem offended by me mentioning her childhood. Trev and his brothers, alongside Sophie, had managed to evade social services as kids and instead found a way to survive on their own. That way involved stealing cars and working for a dangerous criminal, but that was a story for another day.

Concentrating back on the topic at hand, I continued, “It’s why he’s always been such a livewire, hard to pin down. He found out around the time he got offered to do the show, and he’d planned on starting treatment but . . . it didn’t work out so well.”

“Why not?” Alexis asked, frowning.

I exhaled a long breath. Karla and Sophie were already aware of Trev’s situation, but it was news to Alexis and Andie. “Well, he started taking medication and seeing a therapist, but he hated how the pills made him feel. After a couple of weeks, he stopped taking them completely. Everyone he worked with turned a blind eye because when Trev’s on a high it makes for great TV. I’m sure all of you know how captivating he is to watch.” I paused and took a sip of the wine Karla poured for me. “Anyway, he might as well have been living on another planet back then. I couldn’t keep up. It only hurt to be with him but never truly have him, you know? So I decided it was best to end it.”

“And how did Trevor feel about that?” Andie questioned.

I swallowed. “He got angry but I think he knew it was never going to work. I think he loved his new life too much to sacrifice any of it for me.”