“Natalie, goddammit, stop saying you’re fucking sorry. Have you cried at all since he died? Have you let yourself grieve at all?”

I step back and he grabs my wrist. My eyes stay downcast as I try to muster any strength I have left. “Yes, I grieved.” I glance at him and draw in a deep cleansing breath. “What good does crying do? He’s dead. He won’t ever come home. I have a daughter, a house, a mortgage, and a shit ton of other things to worry about.” The words rush out uncontrollably. “You get to go on your missions and escape the hell that slaps me in the face every day. I’m alone, Liam. He left and all I have is a folded up flag and a lifetime of heartache. So, yeah, I grieve.”

Liam releases my arms and steps out of the waves. “You think missions are an escape? We all remember the men we’ve lost when we go out there. We look around and know the plane could be one body less. That it actually is a body less. I know the chances and I live for this. I hate that you have a flag on your mantel and would give anything to trade places with him. What the fuck do I leave behind?”

I take a step toward him and close my eyes. I know how they all feel about each other. They trust each other more than a husband and wife. To Aaron, his teammates were whether he lived or died. So many nights we spent talking about how he would take a bullet for any of them. I remember being so angry and yelling about how stupid he was. How he was willing to die for one of them and how that would affect me. He would kiss me and tell me it was the way it was.

“I think Aaron would’ve wanted it this way.”

Liam looks up and our eyes lock. I see the man he is. The man who would’ve taken his place but can’t, so he’s here—for me. Every day, Liam is here. He helps me, makes me laugh and smile. Cares for us.

“He would’ve what?” he asks confused. His hands clench, and I step forward and give him some of the comfort he’s given me.

“Wanted to die like this. To feel like it was for something or someone. If Mark or Jackson would’ve gone on that mission, he would’ve hated himself. Wishing he could’ve taken their place. He always wanted to go down in a blaze of glory. To die for a reason. I don’t know what the damn reason is though.”

“Me either. I would’ve gladly changed places with him. He had you and Aarabelle to live for.” Liam’s hand grabs mine and he pulls me close. “Are you gonna be okay?”

I do have Aarabelle and I have my entire life ahead of me. I deserve to be happy and it’s time I started to live like it.

I look up and give a tiny nod, “I think I will be.”

“I think you will too.”

“Knock, knock,” I hear Reanell call as she opens my door.

“What’s up, my love?” I ask, my voice radiating with delight.

“You’re awful perky this morning,” she looks at me skeptically.

I’m starting a new outlook from this day forward. I can continue to be sad and mopey or I can remember Aaron as the man he was. The husband, sailor, and hero, not the martyr I’ve made him. I go back to work in a few weeks, I have a great support system. It’s time to start taking baby steps.

“Well, who wouldn’t smile at your beautiful face?” I ask sweetly.

“Could it be the sex-on-a-stick outside shirtless fixing the shed?” She looks out the window as she moans. “God, men like him aren’t real. They’re sent to toy with us.”

Looking behind her, I suppress a groan. She’ll take that as something it’s not. But seriously, holy shit. His back is taut and the muscles ripple as he lifts the two-by-four and then nails it into place. His arms flex and I gawk. He wipes his brow as the sweat trickles down his face and I fight the urge to keep looking. I turn my head but my eyes stay glued to him.

Reanell clears her throat and stares at me with her brow raised. “Well, well, well. What do we have here?”

“Nothing. What?” I pretend to sound confused at what she saw.

“Right. Nothing at all.”

“Nope. Nothing to see here.”

She looks back out the window. “There’s plenty to see my friend. Plenty indeed.”

I need to flip the attention. “Did anyone ever tell you you’re a horny housewife who needs a job?”

“A few times. Mason appreciates that I can shop without buying.”

I laugh and slap her arm. “Yeah, it’s about the only thing you don’t buy.”

She looks away and snorts. “Accurate. I’m also not buying your diversion. I saw you eating him alive.”

“No, I’m not even ready to go there. Let’s change the subject, okay?”

“No, not until you admit he’s hot.”

“Why does it matter if I think he’s hot?” I scoff.

Rea smiles and puts her hands on her hips. “Admit it.”

“Fine, I won’t deny it. He’s hot.”

“I knew you thought so,” she smirks.

I roll my eyes and smother the desire to choke her.

“Besides, if you did deny it, I would be worried,” she laughs. “How about while Aarabelle’s sleeping, we can do some stuff around here?”

I look at the mantel and my heart falters. I can feel him everywhere and I’m not ready to lose that. Already I’ve lost so much. Just pulling into my drive without his car there will be one more reminder. Loss and anger are at war in me. I’m mad at everyone and everything, but then I have to go on day by day. I don’t get to sulk and be sad because there’s a tiny baby that we made together. I close my eyes and think of him.

“Sure,” the word falls out.

We spend the next few hours cleaning papers and things around the house. I’m sweating and huffing from carrying all the boxes up and down the stairs. It’s been a long day and I look like hell but feel a little lighter. We’ve got things organized, and as much as I want to stop, I also want to keep going. I worry the strength I’ve harnessed will be lost tomorrow.

Before I can tell Rea my plan to keep on, she looks over and frowns. “I need to get home. Mason wants dinner early and I want a new purse.”

She’s a mess. “How do those go hand in hand?”

“He likes to eat. I like Michael Kors. If I don’t get a bag, he can starve,” she winks and grabs her purse.

“Sounds perfectly reasonable,” I reply with a huff. “I’m going to finish up. Thank you for today.”

Reanell kisses my cheek. “I’m proud of you. I know this isn’t easy, but it was time.”

“Thanks, you know that it’s been seven months today?”

“Since he died?”

“Yeah, crazy, right? Aarabelle is so small to me that I forget.”

Reanell sits on the couch with her purse in her arms. “I think we all do. You were pregnant when he died and then Aara kind of shifted time. It’s a good thing though. She’s given you a way to keep moving.”

“Maybe.”

“And Liam being around making you do stuff helps too, no?”

I think about what she says and try to come up with an argument. But it’s true. Liam has forced me to handle everything in the last few weeks. In a short amount of time he’s taken care of months’ worth of things.