I slap her leg and scoff. “Get up or we’ll never go, and no, we can’t go out to lunch.”

“Ugh,” she groans. “Such a damn killjoy. Okay, let’s go stare at hot men while they work out.”

“You’re impossible,” I laugh and lock the door.

Paige has Aarabelle at the park while I go work out for an hour. I don’t know how I ever survived without her. She’s sweet, nurturing, and Aarabelle loves her. Plus, she’s available every time I call her. I’ve been working from home a little more frequently since that’s a perk Jackson said I have. Being around Aarabelle for the first eight months of her life and then feeling like I never see her anymore has been extremely difficult for me.

“So,” Reanell says as we get in the car.

“So?”

“Are you seriously not going to tell me about what’s going on with you and Liam?” she asks with raised brows.

I laugh and try to deflect. There’s no way to explain because we’re not defining anything. Since our date, he’s been busy gearing up for another short training mission, so we haven’t seen each other. I miss him though, so that’s something.

“Not much to say. I mean, we’re just taking it one day at time.”

She shifts in her seat and faces me. “Is he a good kisser? Did he touch your boobs?”

“I swear.” I roll my eyes and focus on the road.

“Oh, give it up,” she huffs dramatically.

“Fine,” I reluctantly agree. “He took me to dinner and then to this open field. We kissed and then he was a gentleman and took me home.”

We kissed a lot, but I’m not about to give her any ammunition. Reanell was half asleep when I went to pick up Aarabelle, so she wasn’t pestering me for details. It seems like today is going to be a different story.

“That’s it?” she sounds unimpressed. “I mean . . . it sounds adorable and all, but I was hoping for something juicy.”

“Sorry to disappoint you.” I clench the wheel as we pull in to the gym. When we park, I turn and look at her. I’m tired of how she thinks I should so quickly dismiss my husband and move on. It’s not that easy and I’d bet my ass that if it were her, she’d never talk to another man. “I’m pissed at you.”

Reanell turns in her seat and her jaw falls slack, “Me? Why?”

“Because you make it seem so fucking easy, Rea. It’s not easy.”

“I never said it was easy. I just watch you and it’s hard. But . . .” She places her hand on my arm and her voice softens. “I hate seeing you like that. You’re my best friend and if it were me and Mason died, you’d push too. I think you’re so strong. You’ve handled this all with grace even while you were dead inside.”

I look away and she shakes my arm. I wanted to yell at her and now she’s making my heart physically ache.

“Look at me,” her voice is pleading. “Liam came around and I thought maybe he’d help you take care of things around the house and introduce you to someone. I never thought he’d be the one to open you up. You smile now.” Tears pool in her eyes and they mirror mine. “You smile and laugh. I couldn’t get you to laugh. I would try and try, but you were just void.”

“Rea . . .”

“No, it’s just that he did. If Aarabelle had gotten sick before, you would’ve called me right away and begged me to come running. But you didn’t, because Liam was there. Don’t you see? It’s happening and you’re not even trying. I don’t want to see you push him away.”

“I’m scared,” I admit quietly. That’s the bottom line. I’m absolutely terrified. He’s everything that I shouldn’t want. He’s a replica of my husband. Honorable, courageous, and willing to die for the greater good. If I let him in my heart, there’s no way I can handle losing another man. If I let him into my daughter’s world and he leaves too soon, I’ll never forgive myself.

Reanell pulls me into her arms and rubs my back. “I know you are. You can’t keep this all in, Lee. Talk to me.”

Everyone wants me to talk, but when I let even a tiny bit out, I feel like the flood is going to overtake me. I’ll wash up on the shore alone and unable to breathe. There are times it feels like the tide is going to wash me away. So much hurt. So much pain. But then Liam comes around and it’s a little bit easier.

“When I found out Aaron died, the idea of touching anyone else was beyond my thought process. I’d forgotten how to laugh because it was easier to stay behind the wall.” I look at her and the empathy swims in her hazel eyes. “I don’t want to hurt anymore.”

Her lips turn as a sad smile forms. “I know you don’t, but life is having it all. You can’t know real love unless you’ve had true pain. You’re life isn’t going to fit in some box. We’re all bigger than that box. You, me, Aaron, Mason, and even Liam . . . we don’t get to define the box. But you,” she clenches my arm, “You’re loving even through your pain. You’re beautiful even when you tried not to be. When Aaron died and you had Aarabelle, you lived because you’re better than the box you’ve put yourself in.”

I listen and let her words comfort me. I take each syllable and savor it, really take it in, because she’s right. I know this, but sometimes I forget. The pain and sorrow are easy to get lost in. For some reason, it’s almost easier to be unhappy, but I don’t want to live a life full of misery. I have a beautiful daughter, a fantastic support group, and I have Liam.

“I don’t want to live in a box,” I admit with tears streaming.

“I won’t let you, but it’s not me who opened the lid and for that reason I think he’s good for you.” Reanell pulls me into a hug then pushes back. “Now, do you still want to go in there or should we go get ice cream?”

I laugh despite the tears and hug her again. “Let’s go get our gym on.”

She groans and her head falls back against the seat. “You’re so damn evil.”

“No, I’m just stepping out of the box.”

“Fucking box.”

“Yup, fucking box.”

I’m dying. There’s no other way to describe the immense pain and discomfort I’m in. I blame the gym. Plus, Aarabelle was sick the last few days and, of course, now I have it. Aches and shivers plague my body and I want to crawl in a hole.

“Aara, please stay in one place,” I plead as she starts to head toward the other end of the room. She’s crawling, which makes this illness a hundred times worse. And she doesn’t nap as often, so I get no time to rest.

Three days of her awake all night was bad enough. Now that I’m thoroughly run down, I get whatever bug she had . . . awesome. Liam is due home today from another work up. I forgot how much I hated the stupid training missions. Gone all the time and then they leave for the deployment. I used to beg Aaron just to go for an extra month so it wasn’t one week here and one week gone. Maddening is how I’d describe it.

When they’re gone, you have your routine. You know what your day will entail. These small training missions screw up your rhythm. Even though Liam and I don’t actually have a rhythm—yet. We speak every night on the phone. He’s trying to let me decide the pace, but for right now, I’m happy with how things are. There’s no real definition. We enjoy each other’s company, he makes me laugh, he’s attentive, and caring. Most of all, he’s good to Aarabelle, which matters more than anything to me.