“Why, Aaron?” I roll and face where he would be if he were in our bed. My hand grazes his pillow and another tear falls. “You say to move on, but how? You didn’t tell me how to do that. I can’t love anyone else. I don’t know how. You were my first love, my only love, the first man in my heart and in my body. Hell, you are my heart and I don’t know how to let go of that. If I let someone else in, then I’ll lose you forever.” I continue to speak to myself, praying for an answer, because I don’t know how to give him up. “You have to show me, or give me a sign.” I clutch his pillow and sob relentlessly until I fall asleep, wishing I were in his arms. Safe and happy in the arms of my husband.

“Her food is labeled and I wrote down all the times she needs to eat,” I instruct the nanny I hired. She’s a friend of Reanell’s and came highly recommended.

“We’ll be just fine.” Paige bounces Aarabelle on her lap as she giggles.

“Okay, I’m sure I’ll call only around a hundred times.”

Paige smiles reassuringly. “I expect no less. First days are scary, but Aarabelle and I have a busy day of fun planned.”

I secretly love that she’s paying more attention to Aarabelle than me and my neurotic-ness. First day of working at Cole Security and I no longer think this is a good idea. Leaving Aarabelle and then stepping foot into the building where Aaron worked is daunting. I thought maybe I could feel closer to him, now I’m not so sure if this is the right move.

“I’ll have my phone on me and the number to the office is on the paper by the fridge.” I’m clearly stalling. I don’t know how to spend the entire day away from Aarabelle.

Paige brings Aara over to me. “It’ll be fine. If we need you, I’ll call. I promise.”

Nodding and drawing a deep breath, I kiss my daughter and turn to head to work.

I can do this.

Once I reach my car, I notice the note and flower on the windshield. I open the note and my lip turns up.

Hey Lee,

Sorry I’ve been MIA but I’m back at work and my schedule is jacked up. Have a good first day. Be sure to give the guys hell.

Liam

Sitting in the car, I try to wipe the smile off my face but I can’t help it. It’s the sweetest, most thoughtful thing anyone’s done for me in months.

Starting the car, the phone connects to the bluetooth and I decide to call him.

“Hey,” he answers on the first ring.

“Hi,” I say, still smiling. “I got your card and flower. Thank you.”

“I was jogging and wanted to let you know I didn’t forget about you. I’ve been busy getting checked in and caught up to speed.” Liam’s voice is thick and restrained. There’s a part of me that doesn’t fully believe him.

“Right. No, it’s fine. I’ve been busy too,” I lie.

Liam chuckles, “I got a call on Aaron’s quad if you’re still wanting to sell it.”

Another part of Aaron that I’ll lose. “Sure.”

“Lee?” Liam utters my name reluctantly.

“Yeah?”

He pauses and clears his throat. “How’s Aara?”

That wasn’t what I was expecting based on the tone of his voice. Not that I had any idea what he was going to say, but Aarabelle isn’t a touchy subject. “Good, she’s with the nanny and I’m freaking out,” I laugh. “I’m sure she’ll be fine but it’s the first time I’m leaving her.” I turn into the parking lot of Cole Security Forces and nerves begin to stir.

It’s Mark and Jackson, but still. I’m worried that being in there will make his loss even more prominent . . . not that it can be any more apparent. He’s dead. I’m alone and a single mother.

“You okay?” Liam asks, and I realize I’ve been silent.

With my eyes closed, I shake my head. Am I okay? I don’t remember the last time I felt okay. “I’m fine.”

You can almost feel the disapproval over the phone. He hates that word, but it’s my crutch. “I figured. How about I bring a pizza over tonight? We can go over some of the papers for the sale of his car and now the quad.”

“Sounds good.”

“Good, see you around seven.”

“Seven it is.” This is awkward. I feel like there’s something neither of us is saying but neither of us knows how to proceed. “Okay, I gotta get in to work.”

There’s some rustling in the background and Liam’s hand covers the phone, “I’ll see you later. Good luck today.”

“Thanks, see you later,” I reply and hang up the phone.

I’m going to need a lot of luck.

Exiting the car, my nerves flare again. These men have been a part of my life for years, yet it’s as if I’m just meeting them. Things have changed over the course of seven months. Jackson and Mark still call and check on me, but our friendships have changed. Hell, I’ve changed. Mark came around a lot in the beginning, but as life happens, he’s moved on or pulled away. Liam, however, has stayed constant.

Here goes nothing.

“Lee!” Mark exclaims and comes walking over. “I saw you pull in and I was coming out to get you. Thought maybe you didn’t know where the door was.” He angles in and drops his voice, “It’ll be okay.”

I nod and press my lips together. “I’ve missed you guys.”

“There are some papers in the conference room we need you to fill out and then I’ll show you your office and go over what we need done, sound good?”

I look at my friend, the man who carried my husband for a mile when he was hurt on a mission, the one who is my daughter’s godfather and also the man who destroyed my world, and see his hurt. The pain in his eyes is prevalent because it mirrors mine. As hard as this is for me, this can’t be easy on them either. Mark, Jackson, and the rest of the men here were his friends. Seeing me is probably difficult for them as well.

My hand grips his arm. “I’m happy to see you.”

Mark in his true fashion smirks, “I’m not a bad view, eh, Lee?”

These guys are all the same. Morons. “Sure, you’re the most handsome man I’ve seen in weeks . . . well, besides my mailman. He’s pretty dreamy.”

“I think I could take him.”

“Pretty sure that’s a federal offense.”

“He can’t touch these guns,” he retorts and flexes.

I roll my eyes and snort, “Oh, dear God.”

I laugh as we walk to the conference room and I notice the stares, but I pretend not to.

Mark notices my unease, “I know this is going to be awkward, but give it a few days and you’ll be one of the guys.”

“Do I really want that?”

“I can make up a cute name for you . . . let’s see,” he sits in the chair and looks deep in thought.

“I’m worried you’ll burn what little brain cells you have left if you keep thinking that hard,” I taunt him. Being around Mark is like being around a puppy. He naturally brings out the fun and playful side. And he’s caring yet strong and has this undeniable pull that makes you want to be near him.