1

I’m curled in a corner of the basement, shivering like a little bitch and licking my wounds from the latest encounter, when I hear my sister crying at the door. I try to assure her I’m okay, but the edges of my vision darken and a beckoning light appears in the distance. I collapse and drift toward it. Weightless. Ethereal.

I always drift toward it.

Not literally. I’ve been locked in the basement by a psychopath. I don’t get out much. But mentally.

You should probably know that even though I’m twelve, the circumstances of my existence are not normal. The things that happen to me are not normal. The things in my head are not normal. And the light that I’m drifting toward, the warmth I feel from it, the … forgiveness for all my abnormalities, is as abnormal as I am.

I’m three the first time I see it, and in a very similar state. I follow it. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and drift toward the white-hot pinprick of light burning the back of my eyes. The closer I get, the brighter it becomes until, just when I think I’ll never see again …

… she appears.

This tiny being peeking out from between a lady’s legs. I don’t know what to think at first, besides I shouldn’t be looking between a lady’s legs. But she is dying, the lady, so I figure it’s okay. I wouldn’t look at her bad anyway. My head doesn’t always work right, but even at three, it knows not to look at a lady bad.

Anyway, she’s shaking. The lady. Not shivers like if she’s cold, but deep shakes like if something’s wrong. Her head is thrown back and her body is stiff. The nurses hold her down as a doctor pulls at the light. At the thing. The tiny being that was in the lady’s belly, and suddenly it all makes sense.

Not the light, but that whole “Where do babies come from?” thing.

It’s disturbing, but not so disturbing as the lady. One of the reasons my head doesn’t work right is because I feel what others feel. Could ever since I was a kid. A littler kid. I can feel other people when they’re mad or pissed or in pain. That’s how I know when to stay away from Earl. When to run and hide. It doesn’t always work, but it’s damned sure worth a shot.

But right now, I feel the lady’s pain and it hurts and I almost leave if not for the light. I try to catch my breath once more. To be near it. Near her. Just a little longer.

She comes out in a whoosh of baby and liquid and a light so bright, I can hardly see—and I’m mesmerized. Then the pain stops and I can breathe normally again. The lady is still. A solid, constant note sounds in the room, and people gather around her and the baby. Everyone except the man holding the lady’s hand. He is doubled over. His shoulders shake, and I realize the people around the baby—most of them, anyway—are dead. They’re people from the past come to see the light. Ghosts. Dead.

Their faces are full of wonder, but they are blocking my view, so I push them aside and drift closer. She is wailing like babies do. Then she sees the lady. Her mother. The woman standing beside the doctor, looking down at her. I’d never seen anything like the emotion in the mom’s expression, and I think how it must be love, because it’s soft and caring and tender.

I’m glad for the baby and sad at the same time. The mother touches her face. The baby’s. Tells her to be strong. Stronger than she was. Then she kisses the man’s bowed head, and I think about how I didn’t know ghosts could cry. Then she does the impossible: She steps into the baby’s light and is gone.

I watch as the baby goes still and then gasps and then starts wailing again, and I wonder if she’s crying for her mother. The doctor cuts a cord that goes to her belly button, but it doesn’t hurt her. I’d have felt it.

Another doctor is trying to bring the mother back to life. He works on the lady with a bunch of nurses. They don’t know she is already gone. Already on the other side. There is no coming back from that.

This is the second time I see somebody die. The first was a man. It happened before I was tall enough to piss in a toilet. The man got in a fight with Sir. Earl used to make me call him Sir. He still tries. He fails.

I don’t know what the fight was about, but when he went to heaven, a light opened up around him and he disappeared. The baby is like that light, and I wonder if she swallowed it. I’m three at the time, remember. I wonder about a lot of strange shit. Either way, she’s special. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt.

She stops crying and looks at me—right at me—her eyes wide and curious. They sparkle like a diamond ring and I can see things in them. Stars and ribbons of light. Shimmering gold rivers and purple trees. And I realize she is from there. That place I’m seeing. She was sent here, and she’s showing me her galaxy. Her universe. And I don’t know how, but I know what she is. The seeker. The one who searches for lost souls.

A name pops into my head. It’s in another language. Aramaic, maybe. It’s supposed to be something like D’AaeAsh. No, that’s not quite right. D’MaAeSH? No. There’s more to it. Either way, I can hear it in my head. I just can’t pronounce it, so when I tell her what she is, it comes out “Dutch.” I know a lot of words I can’t pronounce at that age in a lot of languages. Earl gets mad when I talk about it. He calls me a liar, but I’m not.

Doesn’t matter anyway. Dutch will work for now.

She seems to like it, but I feel like she’s scared when she looks at me. Just a little, so I hide. At first, I imagine a cape like Superman’s but decide against it. Too bright. Too flashy. Instead, I imagine a cloak like the knight in my comic book wears. It’s thick and black with a hood. As I think, it appears around me like a big, black sea and settles around my shoulders. That’s the great thing about daydreams.

The doctor “calls it” and checks the clock. The nurses clean the girl—Dutch—and take her to a room with other babies, and she stays there for three days. The man comes and goes. He doesn’t stay long. But that’s okay. We keep vigil. Me and the ghosts.

She likes them. I can feel it. Even the one with a big hole on the side of his head. But when I get close, she winces, so I call forth the cloak and watch her from a corner of the ceiling. I watch until the man comes to take her home.

His sadness hurts my chest and makes it hard to breathe. He whispers into her ear. Something about just the three of them now, and I remember that the man has another daughter. He was telling a nurse as he looked down at Dutch. As he held her for the first time. As he balanced a bottle in his big hands. As he cried and cried and cried.

I remember wondering why nobody ever told him it’s not okay for boys to cry.

Then she is gone, taken to be with her family. What’s left of it. And I wake up from the dream. The dream about a girl made of pure light. You’d think that since it was a daydream and not a night one, I could’ve controlled what happened. I should have tried harder. If I’d thought about it, I would’ve made the lady live and be with her little girl. If I’d thought about it.

2

When I wake up, I’m not in the basement anymore. Groggy and disoriented, I don’t recognize my surroundings. It takes me a minute to realize I’m in a hospital. A hospital. I stay still when a nurse comes in. Checks my IV. Tells me I had a seizure.

Okay. That’s all fine and dandy, but I always have seizures. I’ve had them since I was three. Since I first saw Dutch’s light. Why am I in a hospital? I’ve never been to a hospital. I’ve never even been to a doctor. I’m in a blue gown and my arms are taped up. One has an IV in it. The other has a bandage that runs from elbow to wrist.