I stepped forward and slammed my lips to hers, my hands fisting in her hair. The anger and pain was too much to handle. The first bomb exploded.

“Leave me,” I begged. “I can’t lose you the same way I lost her.”

It would kill me.

Her hands ran up and down my back. It was supposed to be soothing, but instead stroked the destructive fire in me.

“I’m here, take solace in me. I need you.”

Take solace? There was no comfort for me, no peace, not for me.

A growl ripped through me, and I walked her backward and into the brick wall. “I can’t fucking do this to you. I won’t.” I refused to drag her down with me, to let my nightmares become reality, to let the past repeat itself.

I pinned her arms to the wall, the pull to her as strong as the push away.

“It’s okay,” she soothed. “I want you to do it, let me take your pain.”

“Push me away and leave. Please, Lila!” The desire tore through me and combined with everything else for a perfect storm as I ripped her shirt off. “I don’t want to break you.”

The resistance, the last wall, crumbled and everything flooded in.

I drowned in the pain, drowned in her.

Hands clawing at her skin, begging for some sort of release from it all. I picked her up and walked her inside, pausing to tug my own shirt off. We made it to the bed and I had her beneath me.

I couldn’t touch her enough, taste her enough.

Nothing was enough for what was the last time.

Inside her was pure pleasure, but it couldn’t combat my mental state, couldn’t push through the noise, through the pain.

Lost in the fog of my own mind, I thrust forward. I couldn’t see anything, hear anything, barely feel anything. Rougher, harder, deeper to find her, but it was like I was fucking the wisps of fog in the nothingness.

I couldn’t find my way, couldn’t stop. With each thrust, I fractured more as I searched out the thing that connected us, but I couldn’t find it.

I pushed harder, faster, running from it all. Each slam was like a hammer strike, cracking and shattering everything around me, but I still couldn’t break through.

My whole body was tense, breath caught in my throat as I exploded, my dick twitching with each pump of come. I let everything out in her, poured it all in stream after stream.

The air was gone, muscles tight as I gasped. The energy dropped, dissipating the cloud that blinded me.

I stared down at her, at my Lila, as my mind came into focus. I was inside her still, which meant I’d been fucking her, but somehow it didn’t feel real. Her eyes met mine for a brief moment before rolling back.

Ice shot through my veins as I looked down at her, felt the burn of scratches on my skin.

What did I do? What the fuck did I do?

The beast whimpered as I unclenched my hands. My nails, which were short, popped out of her skin leaving crescent shaped marks. Some were so deep that I’d cut the skin, leaving little trails of blood with the red tinge of her skin.

Guilt flooded me as nausea rolled through me. It was my fault. I lost all control.

No more. I refused. I wouldn’t play the game anymore. I wouldn’t hurt her.

I physically hurt her, and it made me sick.

Seeing her like that, damaged, because I physically did it to her, cleared my mind. The pain was new, fresh. It hadn’t had years to build up, but only moments of remorse.

My Lila.

My Lila that I was destroying.

I pulled out, shuddered at the feeling, watching as some of my come spilled out. The sight before me left me reeling. Tears still slid down her cheeks, her skin covered in pink and red. It was not her normal look of well fucked.

She looked beaten, abused, and it made my stomach turn, the sick feeling increasing. I did that to her. I hurt her. It wasn’t someone from her past, but me, someone she trusted.

There was more pain circulating through me than any one person should handle, and I just made it worse.

I threw on some clothes before wrapping her up in a blanket. She couldn’t stay. I had to make it a clean break. Firm. It was the only way I could handle it and stick to it.

The most difficult thing I’d done in years was take her to her room and leave her. The most painful thing was saying… Goodbye.

Lila,

I can’t do this any longer. I refuse to hurt you again. Please keep your distance, and I promise I won’t come to you anymore. We’ll act like we never happened.

Nathan

CHAPTER 26

My chest clenched, and I rubbed the spot with firm pressure. A familiar pain was flooding in, and once again it was all my fault.

The doors to the elevator closed in front of me, the number twelve disappearing before my eyes, leaving me to stare at my own lifeless reflection. The weight of my decision hovered above me, poised for the right moment to crash down.

I saw her long before I ever met her; Lila, my cohort in crime at work and at home. Across a sea of asphalt and cars was where I caught my first glimpse of the woman who would do the impossible and awaken a long dead part of me.

She was unassuming, skittish even, captivating me with the way she walked. There was nothing particularly special about it; maybe it was just the way the light reflected in her natural blonde hair. Whatever it was, my eyes were glued to her. She became more intriguing when her demeanor changed as two men approached: her body rigid, pace slowed, and eyes down. It was subtle. Not many would notice, but I did.

The caged beast inside me also noticed and pulled at his chains, growling. He didn’t like that they made her feel that way. I was about to go to her, launch myself at her, the beast wanting the strange siren, when a hand clamped down on my shoulder and pulled me back to reality.

I shouldn’t have taken the job when Jack offered it to me. In fact, the only reason I did was to have something to keep me busy, keep my mind off everything. To keep the days passing as I waited to die.

Every day was the same; a spiral down to hell. I knew my family was waiting for the call that I’d offed myself. I’d been tempted, hundreds of times, but I never went through with it.

I wished I had. Better to destroy myself and not take her with me.

The throbbing behind my ribs was damn near crippling and made my legs shaky as I tried to brace myself in the elevator while it moved. No one would ever find out the level of asshole I’d achieved.