Without thought, my hand reached up and connected with his cheek. It was as involuntary as him grabbing my wrist. I couldn’t stand the mere thought of him not being there with me. His head snapped back to face me. He wasn’t angry, but stunned instead. Tears slid down my cheeks.

“Please, don’t leave me,” I whispered, my voice breaking.

“I wish the battery on the defibrillator had been out,” he continued on; the emotion gone from his face and voice. “That way they wouldn’t have been able to restart my heart. Because then I wouldn’t feel dead inside, in pain daily. Because I wouldn’t be here, hurting you.”

He paused in thought for a moment, probably asking himself how much he could give.

“I’m angry because I’m alive. My heart, my soul…they’re gone, dead, but my body remains. This is my purgatory.”

Tears were streaming down my face even faster. My fists picked up their beating against his chest.

“No, no, no, no! Please, please, Nathan… I can’t fathom… I need you. You make… I’m falling… Please, please, please.” I begged and pleaded over and over again. For what, I didn’t even know; for him to stay with me, for him to live, for him to never wish to be dead and to be with me always. I needed him to live.

I couldn’t even make out what I was saying, but I hoped he understood the meaning. I was falling, hard, for him. My chest constricted, and I almost doubled over from the strain. The feeling was so foreign I didn’t know what to do.

His arms wrapped tighter around me in an attempt to contain me, but I pulled back. My hands smacked his away, hitting his chest.

“No!” I screamed, pushing him away.

I didn’t want him to soothe me. Not anymore. If he didn’t want to stay there with me, what was the point?

“Lila,” he cried out, clearly stunned at my reaction. I could hear the desperation in his tone, panic setting in. His hands grabbed at my arms. “Baby, stop!”

“No!”

Every time he tried to restrain me, I escaped. Through my blurry eyes, I saw his panic mixed with anger and frustration.

He managed to get a hold of my wrists and walk me backward into the wall, pinning me.

He growled, his forehead resting against mine. “Calm down.”

“Say it!”

His eyes were screwed tight, knowing what I was asking; his fists closed around my hair as he took in a shuddered breath.

“I want you,” he said before capturing my lips with his.

CHAPTER 14

He leaned over me, pressing me into the wall. Our lips, teeth, and tongues met in a frenzy I had never experienced. I pushed back into him, my fingers reached into his silky locks and pulled hard, tipping his head back. He groaned as our lips broke apart, his hips rocking against mine. He was ready, very ready.

My teeth nipped at his jaw, working down to his neck. I found a nice spot right below his ear, and bit down, sucking, marking him.

“Fuck.” His hands moved down to my hips, his fingers digging in to the flesh beneath.

I growled at him like a possessed demon. “Jesus… I can’t take it! You’re mine. You’re not going anywhere. Mine!”

“Why do I matter? What difference, if any, do I make?” His words spurred me on; gasoline on my raging fire.

I’d show him and then some. I’d tell him why we needed each other, but without words.

I pulled his hair in my fist, smashed his lips to mine one more time and shoved him toward the bedroom.

“Lie down,” I ordered.

I had no idea what I was doing, but that was the point. Thoughts were always getting in our way, keeping us from going anywhere. I needed that blinding white, all-consuming rapture we shared to engulf us, to wipe our minds clean like it always did. In that place, I not only felt whole, I felt powerful.

He stripped off his clothes, his eyes shifting down to his eternal erection. I wasted no time tearing my clothes off, and pushed him down on the bed. I’d show him why he couldn’t leave me and why we both mattered.

I climbed on top of him, straddling his legs. His c**k was so hard, lying against his stomach. Hard and angry. Beautiful. I wanted to taste him, but my need to ride him was winning. I had to have him inside me.

I slid my hand down over the head of his dick, spreading the pr**cum around. My hips rocked, sliding my pu**y over his length.

I grabbed his c**k and squeezed it.

“Power…you think you wield it with this? It’s what makes you feel alive?” It was rhetorical. He blinked as if in understanding of what I meant then stared deep in my eyes, his lips parted, his breathing soft. “That’s not a power that can be sustained. But this,” I pointed to my heart, “this doesn’t end, doesn’t run out. This is true power. But you already know that, don’t you? You’ve just forgotten how to use it.”

His indifference was dwindling and he was listening with rapt attention.

“You want to know why you matter?”

“No, I don’t care about that shit.” His voice wavered.

“For a lawyer, you suck at lying.” I dipped my head down and bit his bottom lip then dragged my hands up his forearms and pinned them above his head. “You matter because…”

I left him hanging. He did that to me all the time. I’d let him figure it out.

I reached over and grabbed the tie he was wearing earlier, having thrown it on the bed as he had undressed. Without skipping a beat, I wound it around his hands and secured them nice and tight to the post.

“You’re not going anywhere. You’re going to watch me f**k you while you figure out why either of us matter. Why we feel like this when we’re together. Suck it up and watch me take what’s mine.”

I stood from my position and turned away from him, bent over, spreading my legs so he could see all I had to offer. My hands wound through my legs to my entrance, my fingers teasing along the slit. I could feel my juices dripping.

“Shit,” he ground out through is teeth. I could hear him struggling to break free, so he could take me hard and fast the way we both needed it. Not tonight.

“Andrew used to touch me here,” I said, torturing him as I slipped my middle finger in.

He snarled at me. “I don’t want to hear that!” I could hear the venom in his bite.

“Don’t listen then. I’ll show you.” I continued on. My fingers dragged in and out, over and over again. Then I splayed them and didn’t say a word, letting him think what he wanted as I dragged my juices up to my back entrance to tease him.