“First, boys are stupid. Remember that. No boy will ever love you as much as I do. When I have to give you away, I’ll never really let go. You’ll always be Daddy’s little girl. Okay, we got that out of the way … The first time you said ‘I love you, Daddy’ was a day I’ll never forget. To see so much honesty took my breath away. You’re so beautiful, sweet, and perfect.” My father’s eyes shine with unshed tears. “One day, you’ll hate me, like every teenager does. I want you to know, even at your worst—you’ll always be the best thing I’ve ever done. You’ll be a part of my heart no matter how much you despise me. Nothing in this world will ever take that away. You’re a piece of me and I’ll always be here for you—even if something happens to me.” A tear falls from his eyes and he pulls me closer.

The best thing he’s ever done …

“The next thing is you should know how to change a tire. It’s very important you learn this because you shouldn’t need a man to fix things. Although … it’s how I met your mother,” he ponders that and smiles. “Again, I reiterate the first rule about boys being stupid.”

I laugh and watch as he rubs my back and rocks a few moments. It’s a glimpse into the man I never knew. I look around at the room that I’ve packed up. It looks bare and empty, which is how I feel. Clearing out his belongings makes his absence that much more apparent. I’ve been avoiding this house, his things, because I was focused on Jackson. Now, I’m faced with it head on. The letter was one thing, but hearing him, seeing him, is completely different.

“Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. That may seem like a stupid thing to say, but you should remember it. If your life isn’t what you wanted—you can change it. You have the power to make a change. Live the life you want to live. If someone doesn’t treat you well … cut them loose. If you want something bad enough … go after it. There’s nothing in this world that comes easy. Take your life by the horns and don’t let go.” He stops speaking as I begin to wake.

“Daddy?”

“Shhh, it’s okay, Sunshine. Go back to sleep,” he murmurs in my ear.

The screen goes black and it turns back on when I’m eight. It’s the time my parents took me to the Jersey shore. I remember this. I watch my father hand the camera off to my mom. They smile at each other but it seems strained. The video plays as my childhood unfolds before me. There are good memories here, where I was safe, secure, and held tight. The last scene ends and I allow myself a moment to reflect.

My entire life I’ve felt as if I was fighting to be good enough for someone. Watching man after man disappoint and desert me. And my father was the first, but being in his space and seeing the life he lived—is sad. Am I any better? I push against the walls that surround my heart. I keep people at a distance and at what cost? I want to be loved but I don’t want to grab life by the horns. Somehow, I always managed to get poked by them.

If only my father had made different choices … if only he had had the courage to come to me before he died. We may have had a fighting chance. I probably would’ve been angry, but at least there was a shot. My mind drifts to Jackson. Am I doing the same thing?

Not wanting to waste the little time I have, I get up and get back to work. Mulling over all I’ve learned today. Trying to focus on the task of keeping my walls erect, but catching myself getting teary a few times.

This is much harder than I imagined but I’ve gone through all of the rooms and made a few piles of things to keep, but most will be donated. I sit on the sofa, exhausted and feeling run down. My phone beeps, but I’m too tired to even look.

I start to doze off and the phone rings. I let it go and try to nap. However, the caller doesn’t get the point and calls again. I silence the call and close my eyes. My exhaustion is overwhelming. I could sleep for ten hours. Moving sucks.

My ring tone wakes me from a sound sleep.

“Hello,” I ask groggily, turning over, looking at the clock, and seeing it’s now nighttime.

“Well, well. If it isn’t, Kitty.” Mark’s voice breaks through my haze and I’m instantly awake.

“Hello, Mark.”

My defenses rise since I’m unsure of why he would be calling.

“You don’t call, write, or smoke signal. I was beginning to think you didn’t find me attractive anymore.”

“I’m sure you understand why I haven’t be in touch.”

He laughs the way only he would, “I know. I told you he was an idiot. I’m not calling about Muffin. Natalie had the baby.”

“That’s wonderful. How is she? I wanted to call her, but I wasn’t sure if I should.” My voice is shaky. I became close with her, and we haven’t spoken since the break-up. A rush of irritation at myself washes over me. I should’ve called her. She didn’t deserve to be left out because Jackson is a dick.

“She asked me to reach out to you. Nat scheduled Aaron’s memorial for next week and asked for you to be there. She said she could use all the support she can get.”

“Of course. I’ll be there. Where is it?”

“Pennsylvania. In his home town.”

“Okay.”

Mark takes a second and lets out a long breath. “Fuck it. I’m going to say this to you because I sure as hell won’t say it next time I see you. I’m not going to tell you what to do. I’m not going to ask you to do anything. Just know this … he loves you. In all the years I’ve known the son of a bitch, he’s never looked at anyone like he looks at you.”

I start to cut him off, “Mar—”

“You both fucked this up and you’re both miserable. Unless you’re not?” he questions.

“I’m surviving,” I reply, unwilling to lie to him but I don’t want to give him any more.

“Isn’t that great?” he answers sarcastically. “You’re surviving, he’s losing his fucking mind, and I’m ready to punch the both of you. This is your life, and far be it from me to give advice because I sure as shit don’t do relationships. But I’ll tell you this … if I ever felt the way you both did about someone, I’d be breaking every goddamn door to get back to them. I wouldn’t be waiting around for shit to magically fix itself, because it won’t.”

“That’s the thing,” I pause. “He already broke the damn doors around my heart. I never broke his. He never let me in.” My lip begins to quiver as the emotions start to bubble up. “I loved him. He wants to keep secrets. Fine. But I can’t have that kind of relationship. You lied for him, his mother lied, he lied. I don’t know what’s real anymore.”

Mark doesn’t respond right away. “I didn’t lie to you. It wasn’t my story to tell and from what I understand—you still don’t know it.” Mark pauses allowing his words to settle in. “You owe it to each other to talk and at least learn everything. Then you both can go back to being fucking stupid. I’ll let Nat know you’ll be there and I’ll text you the info.”

“I’ll be there. I promise.”

He hangs up without another word.

Next week I’ll have to see him. Next week I’ll have no choice. And then I can put this all behind me.