I’d gotten wasted the night before, numbed myself with booze and the hands of another man. But now, in the orange dawn of the morning after, I felt everything I’d worked so hard not to.

Jamie was getting married.

He would never be my Jamie again.

I wasn’t supposed to still love him.

But I did.

“LATER, B,” MONA SAID, shrugging on her chic leather jacket and pulling her long ponytail free from the neck of it. “Don’t stay at work too late on your last night before vacation.”

I stood up to stretch, rolling my eyes. “I hardly call this a vacation.”

“Hey. It’s like eighty degrees where you’re going. It’s thirty here. It’s a vacation, even if all you do is sit outside the airport.”

“I’ll send you a postcard from Terminal A.”

She narrowed her eyes but smiled. “Brat. Travel safe. See you next week.”

I waved, reaching my hands up high and cracking my neck before sitting back down at my desk. It was only five-thirty, still early as far as I was concerned, and even though I didn’t really have much left to tie up before I left, I wasn’t ready to leave just yet.

The truth was, I had become the master of avoiding in the seven months that had passed since the night Jamie called me with his big news. I’d gone back to business as usual, keeping myself busy and my mind off the wedding. Of course there was the dress I had to buy for the occasion, and the planning I had to do as his “Best Lady”, but other than the few things Angel left in my hands, I’d mostly avoided.

It wasn’t that I didn’t talk to Jamie, because I did, but I just didn’t allow myself to dwell on anything once we were off the phone. That was made easier by the nights I spent with River in my bed.

He was so different from Jamie.

It wasn’t that he was a good different, nor that he was a bad different — he just was. What we had was casual, and he never asked me to talk about it — to name it — to figure it out. We just worked like we always had, hung out in the same group like we always had, and occasionally, we fell into each other’s sheets. That was it. It was simple, and it was exactly what I needed. I was avoiding, and he was letting me.

Still, I felt it in his demeanor. The longer we went on like that, the more he wanted to ask the questions I was glad he wasn’t asking. I didn’t know how much longer I had until he asked them. I didn’t know what I would say when he did.

I managed to kill another hour before I turned on my out of office email and powered down my computer. I stood, stretching again, and jumped when River’s hands snuck up behind me and grabbed my waist.

“About time you got out of here.”

I looked around us as I spun to face him, making sure we were alone in the office. It wasn’t that it’d be an issue if we were together, more that neither of us wanted the unnecessary attention. “You know this is early for me.”

“Yeah, but tonight is an exception,” he reminded me, locking his fingers at the small of my back. We didn’t touch like this very often, opting more for the kind of touches that went with fucking for hours. But it was nice to be held that evening. River’s brows dropped, and he pulled me a little closer. “You ready for your big trip?”

“I think so.”

“You want to talk about it?”

Avoid avoid avoid.

“Nah, I think I’m good.” River pursed his lips and I swatted at his chest playfully, putting some space between us. “I’m serious.”

“Fine. Want to pass the hours between now and boarding time, then?” He licked his lower lip before settling with an easy grin. Any other night and I would have taken him up on the offer, but for some reason his insinuation made my skin crawl.

“I really need to pack, actually,” I said, grabbing my purse off my desk. We started walking together toward the elevator as I continued. “And sleep. Because Lord knows I won’t be getting much of that once my plane touches down.”

River laughed as the elevator door slid open. He held his arm out as I stepped in and followed behind me. “That’s true. Still kind of weird to me that you’re throwing him his bachelor party.”

“It’s casual, just a night out at his favorite local bar. He didn’t want anything big.” I shrugged. “It’s actually my first time being in a wedding, so this is all kind of new to me. I’m glad he made it easy.”

“Yeah. Isn’t the bride doing some big trip?”

I nodded as the elevator hit the bottom floor, and we stepped out into the lobby of our office building, both of us tugging our coats on as we walked into the crisp spring air. “She and her girls are flying to New Orleans for a bachelorette bash. We’ll see if she shows up to the wedding with beads still around her neck.”

River smirked, tucking his hands into his pockets. For a few moments we just walked in silence, enjoying the sounds of the city as the sun set behind the buildings. It was mid-March and chilly, but I loved it. Thinking back to the sweltering months in Florida and how we hardly had a winter, I didn’t really mind that the cold liked to hang around Pittsburgh for a good portion of the year. I liked the dry, fresh feel of the air. It was promising.

“Just try not to think too much about work this weekend, okay?” River said as we reached my apartment building. “Relax, have some fun, and if it gets to be too much, you can call me.”

“Okay.” I hugged him quickly, planting a kiss on his cheek before ducking into my building. “Have a good weekend, Riv.”

“I mean it, you can call me,” he said again as I let the door swing closed behind me. I turned with a smile and waved one last time. River’s blonde hair was mussed in the cool wind, and in his light gray pea coat, he looked straight out of a men’s fashion magazine. I chewed my lip as I stepped into my elevator, wondering if spending the night with him would be such a bad thing after all. But I really did need to pack, and more than that, I needed to face my thoughts.

I’d been spending so much time avoiding, thinking that would make it all go away, but the truth was I would be on a plane the next day and then I’d be there — in South Florida — with Jamie. With his fiancé.

It was time to really think about how I felt about that.

I packed slowly, blasting the latest album from a local indie band River had introduced me to. I contemplated pouring up a glass of wine, but decided I’d rather have a clear head that night. So, I made a root beer float, instead. It reminded me of my dad a little, because it used to be his favorite dessert, but it was one of the comforting memories I had of my dad. Sometimes when I thought of him I felt pain, sometimes I felt a warm sort of sadness — and a root beer float brought me that second kind of feeling.