His eyes were hooded, and I’d never been so fascinated watching someone breathe before, but there was a dip that appeared over and over at the base of his neck as he inhaled. It disappeared when he pushed the next breath out, and I counted that motion nine times before he spoke.

“I get that.”

He only said three words, low and breathy, and I knew it was because he didn’t trust himself with more than that.

“It’s probably too late to go surfing, huh?” I asked, looking at how low the sun was in the sky.

“Today?” He asked, snapping out of our haze. “Yes. But, we could go tomorrow. Get up super early, catch the morning waves. What do you say?”

I didn’t even hesitate. “I’m in.”

Jamie smiled, that bright, all-teeth smile, and then we walked back to the Jeep in comfortable silence.

He dropped me off at just past five o’clock after I declined his invitation to dinner. I was exhausted, and if we were waking up early in the morning, I wanted to sleep.

Ethan texted me twice — once while I was still in the Jeep with Jamie and once after I was back in my dorm. He wanted to hang out, but I denied him, too. I told him I was tired, which was true, but what I didn’t tell him was that I just needed a minute. My day with Jamie didn’t change anything I felt for Ethan, but it did remind me of everything I’d always felt for Jamie. All the thoughts I’d let go of on the beach the morning after Jamie’s graduation had been rounded up again, and now here they were, prevalent in my mind and waiting for me to address them.

I desperately wished I had a bathtub, because all I wanted to do was run a long, hot bath and soak for hours — in the water and in my thoughts.

I couldn’t believe Jamie remembered so much about me. About us. And it somehow brought me more comfort than anything because I remembered, too. It turned out a Whiskey stain was just as permanent as ink, and I wondered if I would ever truly wash myself clean.

Or if I even wanted to.

“B, WAKE UP.”

“Mmmm,” I murmured, reaching out to hit snooze on the alarm clock that was saying my name. My hand found a warm, hard body, and I tugged at the t-shirt wrapped around it. “Sleep.”

There was a chuckle, and my eyes flitted open, my room still dark save for the night light I had plugged in.

“Come on. We should get going if we want to catch the morning surf.”

Jamie.

My hand retracted backward and I threw the covers off, confused.

“How did you get in here?” I grabbed my phone next. 5:35 AM.

“You let me in, goofball. I called you.”

“What?” I scrolled through my call log and sure enough, his name was there, not even five minutes earlier. “I’m so confused.”

Jamie sat on the edge of my bed and I suddenly wished I had the comforter still. I was dressed in nothing but boy shorts and a crop t-shirt. “You let me in. Then you grabbed my hand and pulled me back here before crawling back into bed.”

“Oh my God.” My hand found my forehead with a smack and Jamie chuckled again. I loved that sound. The throatiness of it.

“Relax. You’re just tired. We can do this another time, if you want to rest.”

“No,” I said quickly, scooting past him. I grabbed my bathing suit from the top drawer of my dresser, not even bothering to hide my ass in the tiny shorts I was wearing since apparently I’d already paraded it around that morning. “Give me a sec to change.”

“You don’t have to, we can—”

“I want to. I’ve been here almost two months now and still haven’t surfed. And that’s one of the biggest reasons I wanted to come to California, anyway.”

Jamie nodded, standing from his perch on the bed and grabbing my surfboard from where it leaned against my closet. “Alright, then. Go get dressed. I’m parked in the G Lot.”

He tugged my board up between his arm and ribs and I held the door for him to exit before excusing myself into the bathroom I shared with Marie.

Plopping down on the toilet, I forced three, long breaths. I was excited to go surfing, but being woken up by Jamie in such close proximity and me in so little clothing had my blood pumping. I decided not to think too much on it, changing quickly and brushing my teeth before jogging out the door to Jamie’s Jeep. It was a sight I missed, both of our boards attached to the top of it, and Jamie waiting inside, window down, smile on his face as the sky just barely broke with the first light-blue hues of daylight.

Today would be a good day.

“What’s that?” Jamie asked, eying my old simple bathing suit I was wearing under my t-shirt and shorts.

“My swim suit?”

He chuckled. “You’re going to freeze. Do you have a wetsuit?” I shook my head and he kicked the Jeep into drive. “Alright then, that will be our first stop.”

The conversation on the way to the beach was easy, mostly Jamie telling me about his favorite surfing spots he’d found since he’d been there. He was taking me to Windansea, which was insane in itself considering how many times I’d heard about it from watching pro surfing on TV. It wasn’t that I was obsessed with watching surf, because surfing was always more of a personal release for me, but I did catch it from time to time. And Windansea was often mentioned as home turf for big-time surfers.

My phone pinged with a text from Ethan just as we arrived at the beach, my brand new wetsuit folded across my lap and waiting for me to slip into it. Jamie hopped out of the Jeep quickly to get to work on taking our boards down while I stared, wondering what to say back.

— Hey, just tried to surprise you with breakfast in bed. Where are you? —

I thumbed out a response, but debated the last part. Deciding against adding who I was with, I stuck to just answering his question.

— Decided to finally check out the surf. Call you when I’m back on campus? —

— Sounds like a plan. I wanna take my girl to dinner. —

I smiled.

— I’d like that. —

— Then it’s a date. Have fun out there! —

I tucked my phone into the pocket on my beach bag and sighed, feeling a strange pang of guilt twist in my stomach. I wasn’t doing anything wrong by surfing with Jamie, so then why did I feel inclined to keep his name out of my answer to Ethan?

“Ready?” Jamie popped up beside me, opening the passenger side door wide as I hopped out. And that’s when it hit me.