“Two feet,” Elias corrects him. With features like Tessa’s, only translated into XY versions, Elias looks more like the men in our family.

Which means when I take my nephews out in public, everyone assumes he’s my son.

Surprisingly, I don’t mind.

“MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYY!” Darien screams. “Can people have three feet?” He gives me a fearful look, pressing his palms against my calf. “Where would it grow out of?”

“What are you telling them now? People can’t grow extra feet.” Tessa comes around the corner from the hallway, her fingers working an earring.

“I said if you’d had triplets, I’d need a third foot.” I start shuffling around the room, using the little boys’ backs as brooms to push toys aside. They don’t seem to mind.

“If I’d had triplets, I’d trade your third foot for a third breast. Way more useful.” Tessa looks me up and down. “You look good.”

“Um, thanks? You suddenly become a client at O? Why are you commenting on my appearance?”

She studies my face. I study her right back. Her hair’s been cut and styled, and she’s wearing makeup. A dress. Her feet are in high heels and a light, floral scent fills the room.

Tessa generally lives in yoga pants and whatever shirt she threw on after her nightly bath, so….

“Something’s changed,” she says, pursing her lips in contemplation. Her eyes narrow. “You’re dating again?”

“What?”

“You’re — I don’t know what to call it. If you were a woman I’d say you’re glowing. What do you say when a man is glowing?”

“Is Uncle Ryan radiactic?” Elias asks, unraveling from my foot. “Cause that’s what happens on Fantastic Four. The men glow because they got radiactic.”

“What does radioactive mean?” I quiz him.

He shrugs. “I think it’s when you fart and get superpowers.”

“Nice,” Tessa says, giving me the hairy eyeball. “Carlos must be letting them watch Cartoon Network again.”

“Only South Park,” Carlos calls out from the kitchen. “Nothing too risqué.”

“That’s not funny!” Tessa calls back as I laugh.

“You’re all dressed up. Where are you going?”

“To a hotel,” she says. “I told you.”

“Yeah, but why get dressed up if you’re just going to a hotel to get undressed?” The words are out of my mouth before I realize I have zero desire to hear my sister answer that.

She frowns. “Wait. Where’s Carrie?”

“Nice topic change, sis,” I tease, secretly relieved not to have to suffer through her answer, but on edge about Carrie.

“She always comes with you when you babysit.”

“That’s because you have the best selection of ice cream in town.”

“We do,” Tessa agrees. “We really do.”

The twins start chanting, “ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM!” Tessa’s eyes widen as Elias, fingernails coal black, runs his hands up and down her leg.

“Mommy!” he says as Darien continues the chant, “what happened to the caterpillar?”

“Caterpillar?”

“The one who lives on your legs. The one that’s so hairy all over from your knees to your toes.”

“I shaved, honey.”

“You shaved a caterpillar?” The corners of his mouth turn down. “Why?”

“CARLOS!” Tessa screams. “WE NEED TO GO NOW!”

He ignores her. She shrugs. “So… Carrie?”

I shrug. We’re a shrugging family.

“When are you finally going to make a move?”

“Did you change your name to Zeke today?”

“You make no sense sometimes, Ryan. Make that most of the time. And you’re stalling. Didn’t work when we were kids, won’t work now.”

“I’m going to a wedding with Carrie.” It’s a lie. A big one. Zeke’s suggestion apparently took over my subconscious.

“As her date?”

“Yes.”

“So you two are dating?”

“Kind of. We’re going on a date.”

“Which is the very definition of ‘dating.’”

“If you say so.”

“You two are practically married, anyhow. She’s perfect for you. Anyone who willingly watches those stupid prepper and naked-in-the-jungle shows is a saint.”

“Is that a compliment to Carrie, or an insult to me?”

“I have twin preschoolers, Ryan. I’m the ultimate multitasker. It’s both.” My phone makes a powering-down sound.

“You let your phone battery die again?” Tessa groans. “Mr. Electrical Engineer lets his phone get to four percent charge.”

“I never claimed to be Dad,” I shoot back, searching the room for her charger.

“I don’t have one that works with your phone, Smartass,” she says, clearly figuring out my need. “And you’ll become Dad when you start filling the gas tank whenever it drops below three-quarters full.”

Like magic, or — more likely — driven by his own need, my brother-in-law appears with two plastic bowls of ice cream for the kids.

Disengagement occurs immediately, my legs freed as sugar saves the day.

“Hey, Ry.” Carlos gives me a fist bump. “Leave while we can,” Carlos whispers to Tessa. The two kiss the twins’ heads and tiptoe to the door while the boys sound like pigs at a trough during feeding time.

“You know the drill,” Carlos says to me, giving me a quick bro hug.

“Right. Sugar ‘em up, let ‘em drop where they pass out, and more sugar for breakfast.”

Tessa’s about to throw a clot.

He shrugs. “Works for me. I get eighteen hours of sex in exchange.”

Tessa stops at the doorway and peers at me. “We’re not done talking about Carrie.”

“You’re losing precious blue ball evacuation time worrying about my love life.”

“You told him about… that?” Carlos’s eyes bug out behind his glasses, sharp rectangles with a silver edge that make him look like the accountant he is.

“It got him here, right?” Tessa shrugs.