Talk to you later,

Ari.

PS—Since I started having Carter over all the time for...you know…My room is fucking spotless. You should SEE it! LOL

Knowing Ari like the back of my hand, I knew right then and there that if she did ever tell me that she loved me, it would probably be at the airport right before takeoff. (She was dramatic like that.) That she would probably expect me to say it back, and then she would cry and say that she could learn how to be a better chef in America, that she didn’t need to go overseas.

She would stay.

Because she’d done that before for another guy she liked: She went to the University of Pittsburgh—knowing that she didn’t really want to go, but she thought she was in love so she followed her heart instead of her dreams.

I loved her enough to want what was best, and I didn’t want her to do that again…So, I vowed to be as stoic as possible on the day she left—kissing her one last time definitely, but if she told me she was in love with me before takeoff, I wouldn’t let myself say it back.

Track 31. You’re Not Sorry (3:22)

I stood in the kitchen with my mother, marinating chicken in barbeque sauce while she tossed a salad.

“I like Sean,” she said, smiling at me.

“I do, too.” I looked outside the window where he was helping Nicole set up seats in the backyard. “He’s perfect, honestly.”

“How so?”

I thought about pulling out my spreadsheet and showing her how he was a perfect ten in the “intensity of the kisses” and “genuine conversations” categories, but I’d held back.

“He does the sweetest things for me in France—calls me to wake me up every morning, runs with me on the weekends, listens to me whenever I want to talk…He’s also an amazing kisser.”

She laughed. “An amazing kisser?”

“The best guy I’ve ever kissed.” Except Carter…

An image of Carter kissing me at the EPIC party—controlling my lips with his, suddenly ran across my mind and I forced myself to brush it away.

“He said he wants to ask me something over dinner tonight when everyone is here,” I said. “You think he’s going to propose?”

“This early?” Her eyes widened. “I would hope not.”

“He’s not.” I said, laughing. “I like him a lot, though…You think you could see us together long term?”

“Not sure; although I‘ve always thought you would end up with Carter.” She smiled, setting down the salad.

“What? When did you think that?”

“I’ve always thought that. I still do.”

What the… “Do you not see Sean, my current boyfriend, out there?”

“I do,” she said. “I think he really cares about you, but I know the two of you aren’t in love…I know for a fact that Carter loves you more than you’ll ever know.”

“Because he’s upset that I have a boyfriend? Because he’s being rude and mean to me?”

“Because he was here every week that you were gone, asking about you, wanting to know if we’d talked, hoping you would call while he was here.”

“Right...”

“It’s true.” She held the cheese grater up to my face and I saw that there were tears welling in my eyes. “I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I’m just telling you what I think, and I think, whether you want to admit it or not, that you belong with Carter.”

“He said he didn’t feel anything for me when we…”

“When you what?”

I sighed. I didn’t want to talk about my sex-life with my mom, but she was the closest thing I had to a female BFF so I let it out. “We had sex before I went abroad…We actually had sex a few times…” I paused, waiting for a shocked reaction, at least a gasp, but I got nothing. “And I um…I asked him if he felt something between us changing, because I definitely did. I asked him if he had feelings that were more than friend-like, if he felt like there was something more than sex between us, and he said no.”

“You asked him that in person?”

“No. It was in a text message. Same thing.”

“It’s really not.” She clucked her teeth. “Maybe there’s a reason he said that.”

“Yeah, to tell me the truth and to confirm that we should’ve never had sex…Could you at least try to look surprised about all of this? I had sex with him. Sex. With. Carter.”

She laughed. “I’m not surprised at all, Arizona. I’m only shocked it took this long for it to happen.”

“Are you sure you’re my mother?”

“I don’t think you should make any drastic decisions until you talk to him in person. He’s still your best friend.” She gave me a light kiss on the cheek and hugged me before walking outside.

I wiped my face on my sleeve and chopped a few more pieces of chicken, cursing myself for not bringing the cutlery set I had in France with me.

Ugh…I’m turning into a cutlery critic…Culinary school symptom number one…

“Arizona?” Sean wrapped his arms around me from behind.

“Yes?” I smiled.

“Can I ask you something?” He kissed the back of my neck and slowly let me go.

“Anything.”

“I told you I’ll be asking you something in front of everyone at dinner, but before that…” He hesitated. “Would you be willing to leave with me tomorrow?”

“What?” That came out of nowhere. “Why?”

“I’m not talking about leaving the States,” he said. “Just this part of the beach. You know I only live five hours away so I was thinking we could go see my hometown for a day or two? We can still come back here before flying back to France.”

I hesitated, thinking about what my mom said, about wanting to know if Carter had a reason behind hurting me so terribly, but I couldn’t think of a single worthy one. “Of course.”

He kissed my lips. “Care to join the rest of us outside now?”

“Very much so…” I kissed him back, now hoping that Carter wouldn’t show up to see whatever he did have to say…

I tried my best to avoid looking at Carter for most of the party, and I could tell that he was avoiding me, too. He’d barely said hello when he arrived; he went straight to my mother, gave her a hug, and sat down at the long picnic table.

Josh, on the other hand, was the one who was surprisingly acting like an adult and talking to Sean and me.

“So, you have used marijuana in a recipe before?” Josh leaned forward, looking at Sean.

“I have.” He smiled.

“What are the chances of you recreating that little entrée for us while you’re in town?”

Nicole slapped the back of Josh’s head with a paper plate. “Don’t you have exams next week? You shouldn’t be thinking about having anything with weed in it. Do your teachers know you smoke?”

“For your information, I don’t smoke anymore.” He rolled his eyes. “I simply buy products that contain THC and devour them. There’s a difference.”

We all laughed and shook our heads. (Well, except Carter.)